22 week ultrasound

I had another ultra-sound a few days ago at 22 weeks, and sadly, my Placenta Previa (PP) is still in place. (my placenta is covering my cervix) For those of you who want a bit more info as to what PP is, here is a picture:

I have Complete PP, which means my cervix is compltely covered by the plaenta.

From the Mayo clinic.com "If you have placenta previa, the placenta will detach from the lower part of the uterus as the cervix begins to open in preparation for labor. This can cause severe vaginal bleeding. Thankfully, placenta previa is nearly always detected before a woman or her baby is in significant danger. Although some women have light bleeding or spotting during the first trimester or early second trimester, bleeding associated with placenta previa usually occurs near the end of the second trimester or the beginning of the third. The amount of bleeding may range from light to heavy. And it may stop, but it nearly always recurs days or weeks later. Some women who have placenta previa experience contractions with bleeding."

So, that's it, just wait and see.

Now it is still very likely (wishful thinking) that it may go away as the size of my uterus grows with our baby boy. But it's a waiting game! If it doesn't go away, it could cause serious complications (pre-term birth), so every time I have an ultra-sound I'll be hoping for good news. My next ultrasound will be at 26 weeks (wow, that's when I delivered before - very surreal).

The good news is that all the extra ultrasounds means that I get to see my little guy. And it's definitely a little guy!

Kaitlyn and I caught dads bug, at least in me, it's just a cold, but Katilyn once again has developed a bad cough, so we are back to doing breathing treatments again around the clock.

And not great timing, tomorrow is our March of Dimes Walk! Thanks to ALL of you have so generously donated in name of our girls! Brian's firehouse donated $500.00! Wow, thank you San Francisco Fire Station #1!! In that I'm so inovled iwth our local Family Teams Chapter, we'll be going no matter what, but wiht my PP and all, I think it will be a short walk this year for the McCarthys. We have about 7 others joining us this year, so it should be a lot of fun!

Teaching the bunny to vomit

Ok, I'm posting this picture for all of us moms out there whose children vomit non-stop without any explanation form the doctors. This seems to be a common thread of early micro-preemies. Unexplained vomiting. And knowing from experience it's really an awful thing for us parents as much as it is for our children. Not only do we live in constant fear of vomit-fest, we smell like vomit all the time from cleaning it up, our carpets are ruined forever, we limit were we go in public, we never go on vacation and on top of it, we work sooo hard to get food in them it's the most frustrating experience that unless you "live" it you can't imagine, but seeing all that "effort" go down the drain, literally.

This was taken by my good friend Lisa here in SF. She has 2 sets of twins, all preemies. One of her daughters has a very serious, life-threatening medical metabolic condition, which has landed her in the ICU too many times to count. She turns blue all the time without reason, she's also is a huge vomiter and doesn't eat.

This picture was taken in the ICU, where Morgie was "teaching her bunny how to vomit." Sometimes we need some humor! She even has the mouth motion going to teach the bunny how it's done!!

April Update

Kaitlyn had Bronchitis, but some serious anti-biotics helped take care of it. (thankfully). She still has a bit of a runny nose, but is now sounding much better (meaning, no more breathing treatments). Her skin rash (eczema?) also seems to have cleared up (using cremes and such) not sure really what caused it, maybe it was the goats milk or the soy milk products we were using when we went cow-dairy free.

Kaitlyn's peeling hands

We are back to using the DVD for most of the feeds. We start the feeds without one, and unfortunately you get some of this behavior: (so different than the last video I posted right?)




She is still vomiting too, The other night I was having a really good dinner, nearing the end and she tried to swallow a potato from her potato salad whole (even though it's mashed down) and ended up gagging (normal for her) and emptying her entire stomach and then some. I was so shocked by the size of the vomit, I had to weigh it, it was 175 g....her meals aren't that much, so there was definitely water and food from her previous feed.

poor baby...yes, that's a bowl full of vomit

Dr Patel (http://www.clinic4kidz.com/ Was here today (her feeding therapist). She was amazed how well Kaitlyn was doing. I don't see as much improvement from day to day, because it's my life sadly, but she kept saying over and over how well she was doing.

Here's the best news of all, we charted Kaitlyn's weight (not a lot the last 4 months) but she's still right on her own little curve on the chart, but she's one active little girl and I was very tiny as a baby also. So we decided to DC the night tube feeds! Do you know what that means? It means my daughter will be eating 100% orally for the first time EVER. We are not increasing the amount she takes in during the day (there is no way she could tolerate it), but the night feeds have supposed to have been for supplementing what she looses when she vomits. We'll try it for month, closely watching her weight to see how she does.

What this means: I can sit on the couch like a "normal" parent once she goes to bed. I don't have to prepare and make her Blended Diet, I don't have to get up every 20-30 minutes to push in a syringe of food into her belly, I don't have to wash the syringes, flush the tubing, ugggghhh, I can't tell you how great this is going to be for us! I can't wait!


We had a bout of incredible weather last weekend (it was nearing 90) and Kaitlyn and I went to the beach (Dad was out of town for a week) and we had a blast, (excepting of course that she vomited at the beach, and I longingly watched other toddlers sitting nearby nicely eating their food and was wracked with a bit of jealousy). Kaitlyn also did not like getting dirty, she wanted to leave not long after we got there in fact, which sucked as it's an hour drive from my house. But Mom sure enjoyed the sunshine and Kaitlyn loved putting her feet in the ocean (even though it was freezing).



Pregnancy:

I'm 21 weeks as of yesterday (5months 1 week). My next ultra sound is next week to see if possibly hopefully my planctia previa may have moved. I feel great! Just worried. I've grown a lot all of a sudden!

Brian is quite sick sadly. He was out of town for a week, with his newly finished four-wheeler (He had a great time and I was so happy for him, especially that it's finished). He went to work the day after he got home and has been in bed since he got off work yesterday. He feels horrible! Hoping that Kaitlyn, myself and baby boy don't get it!

10pm update: first night of no tube feeding - WOW, it feels so strange! I'm really enjoying this! But Kaitlyn did just have a weird crying/moaning/trashing bit in her sleep, this is her first NIGHT without food! Wonder if it's related?

An amazing feed (2 months ago)

I sometimes hesitate to post really great videos like this one here, as I then hear from people, oh wow, Kaitlyn is fine. She's eating just like a toddler. and they think that my life is "easy." It's so far from the truth. Sadly, Kaitlyn's eating started really going down-hill not long after this, her bad behavior came back in and we've had to reinstall her watching the DVD and she's not willing to feed herself more than 2 bites any longer.

But anyways, this was a really great feed and I forget sometimes as I'm in the middle of vomit and marathon feeding sessions that she is eating and 6 months ago she ate NOTHING by mouth.

Enjoy

Kaitlyn is sick :(

Dad giving Kaitlyn a breathing treatment, look how "sacked out" she is in his arms. She never sits willingly in our lap without a distraction.

Kaitlyn came down with a bad cold on Friday, now it's in her lungs and we are doing around the clock breathing treatments. We'll take her to the doctor on monday. I always worry so much when she gets sick, not really knowing what type of shape her lungs are in..

Poor thing, she cried on and off today for no reason (she's never done that!) It breaks my heart!

She even snuggled with us as we gave her breathing treatments - this is a FIRST. (Remember, Kaitlyn's normal liking-to-be-held period is about 10 seconds (Unless it's in the shower or on a moving train/swing) normally it's a constant fight to get her to sit still. This time she was even willing to put her mouth on the breathing tube and keep it there. Also a first. Must be helping make her feel better.

Keep her in your thoughts!

Update- from doctor - no ear infection, is going on antibiotics due to the large amount of gunk in her lungs....She also has eczema (She's had a weird rash for about a month)

Here's my 19 week belly last week. Getting bigger!

new glasses!

Here are some new pictures (in no particular order)

Mom, dad and Kaitlyn at the San Francisco Zoo (yes the Tiger incident Zoo) the Friday before Easter.

Kaitlyn opening her Grandma Corinne's Easter Basket!

Kaitlyn's new glasses!

I'm a big girl now, drawing!

New Glasses

Her new glasses have clip-ons for the sun too! Wow, what a deal! I spent only $35 for frames, lenses, shipping and the clips! They are a little big for Kaitlyn but she seems to like them and they are soo cute! I purchaed them at: www.Zennioptical.com

Kaitlyn playing with the boys at the "Disco Museum" well the Discovery Museum but that was too much of a mouthful for her to say

Again at the Disco Museum, loving splashing all the other kids with the fish in the stream. She had a ball.

Kaitlyn has to hold on to something at all times, just try imagining how hard it was her to do this feat!


Kaitlyn's green St. Patty's day Shirt and her balloon! Have I told you how much she loves Balloons? She goes ape if she's at a park and see's a balloon and can't have one.

Mom and Kaitlyn looking at the Grizzly bears


Dad and Kaitlyn at the SF Zoo, cute father daughter picture

Kaitlyn wanted to sit on the big chair, she's wearing a cute top that Grandma Corinne sent for Easter. She says "Grandma Shirt" whenever I put the top on her!

At the Children's Park outside the Oakland Zoo on Easter Sunday. We met the family there and had a grand Easter Egg hunt. The above 2 pictures are with Grandpa Poppy, My dad.

Kaitlyn opened up each egg after she found each one, and the change/jelly beans (which she'd put in moms mouth) and stickers kept falling out, it was funny, as you had to put her basket under the egg or she'd loose everything in the egg.

Some good and some not good news

Let's see, where to start. As you know I mentioned that it was just a week ago that my water broke on my last pregnancy and every day seems surreal to me that I go past being pregnant and am not lying in bed! Brian was able to find my box of practically new (with tags on them) maternity clothes from before that I never was able to wear.

Here are pictures of me on March 10th, taken when I was 16weeks 2 days (my water broke before at 16weeks 6 days). I was on my way out (yeah) to my monthly meeting with my fellow gtube moms (my sanity savior friends).

Here is telling Kaitlyn to look at the baby in mommys belly - very cute!

I'm now 18 weeks and 5 days and bigger than this, (have to take a new picture). Hard to believe that last time around we were so good and took pictures every week of my pregnancy (guess that shows how different it is with having a toddler around!) I feel great!! no more headaches, no more ill feeling, just generally really great. I remember this from last time, thinking how sad that I finally felt great when I had to go on bed-rest. It's all very surreal to me.

Last week, at 18 weeks we had our fetal survey ultrasound where we found out the sex!!! (I'll get to that in a minute). (yes, I'm going to make you keep reading!)

First of all (and most importantly) the baby looks great!

Here are some pictures of the little one:

Almost looks like "he/she" is smiling doesn't it? Will you look at all the beautiful amniotic fluid around the little one (only a PROM mom looks at the ultra sound and says wow, I love seeing all that fluid!!) It makes me giddy!

This 4D picture was hard to get, as the baby's top of head was up against my placenta, hence the elongated funny looking forehead. But wow, amazing none-the-less!

OK, now for the not-so-good news:

I have Placenta Previa (PP).
What is that? Well it means that my placenta is covering the opening to my cervix. What are the complications of PP? pre-term labor! Holy shit. This can't be happening.

Basically, according to the Mayo Clinic website: "If you have placenta previa, the placenta will detach (called Placenta Abruption) from the lower part of the uterus as the cervix begins to open in preparation for labor.

"The Mayo Clinic says these are the risk factors for PP:

Have already delivered at least one baby (yes that's me)

Had a previous C-section (yes that's me)

Had placenta previa with a previous pregnancy (no)

Are age 35 or older (yes that's me)

Smoke (no)

Are carrying twins, triplets or other multiples (I did before)

Have had a previous uterine surgery, such as myomectomy to remove uterine fibroids or dilation and curettage (D and C) to scrape the uterine lining (Yes that's me, I had a Myo to remove MANY (10 large) fibroid tumors about 4 years ago,which is basically a c-section but much more intense, I was in surgery for 3 hours for my Myo).

Now, before you get too worried, there are different types of PP, thankfully mine is the type that could take care of itself. It means that it's the edge of the placenta that is over the opening to the cervix. We (and the docs) are hoping that as my uterus grows with the baby that it placenta will clear the cervix opening. Please, everyone out there in blog land, please send us your prayers for this to happen.


I will be going back for another ultrasound in a month. We are seeing the same doctor (no, not the one who did the fateful amnio- I REFUSED to see him), but the one who finally gave us a clear picture of what were looking at when my water broke before. We like him, he's very matter-of-fact, and we appreciate that. I think he was really bummed to have to tell us the news.

I did a bit of research on PP (you know me, the research queen). First of all, many women I have spoken to had PP like mine that cleared up (so I'm going with those thoughts).


PP usually means bleeding, thankfully I've had none so far. and it means bed-rest!!!! OK, I really, really am trying to keep this positive!


Well, to end on a few good notes, as I said earlier, we found out the sex! We are having a

BOY!!!!

Brian was just thrilled. He KNEW it was a boy. (now it's not 100%, as the angle of the little guy was a bit difficult to tell for sure), but we have another ultrasound in a month anyways now.

Kaitlyn:

Miss Kaitlyn got some new glasses! They are big girl glasses and are so cute on her! They are a little bit big, so she has to push them on her temple (they can't be adjusted) but she can grow into them.

She's talking up a storm! Full sentences now too.

Here's a little conversation I'll have to catch on video:

As she's looking at my belly, she'll knock on it lightly and say: "knock-knock, who's there? It's baby! Open peeze!" Too cute!


We started giving her a new drug called Periactin. It is an antihistamine, that has the side-effect of being an appetite stimulant. After the first dose, things started going GREAT. we had only 1 vomit in 4 days, and she even asked for breakfast one morning. Now this morning we had a vomit (and we hadn't had a morning vomit since we started the medicine), but yesterday again was vomit free!

Oh, and she finally hit 25 pounds a few days ago. She's been 24+ since Mid December!


I'm still paranoid about her sensory issues. Yesterday for example, we had her up on our bed and she spent the entire time flopping herself all over the bed, rolling, flopping, rubbing. She does that all the time on the couch too. She's HYPER and is always moving and on the go. She hates being held.
On Easter we went to the Oakland Zoo and I took her on the train. She "melted" into my arms (a rare experience) as the movement of the train calmed her. This is clear Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) behavior. The only other time that she is willing to be held/cuddled is when: she' really tired in the morning and hasn't really woken up yet, when she's in the shower with me, getting hit by warm water, or on the swing in my arms. All clear SPD stuff here.

update

Just a quick post here...

My husband and I are talking a lot about priroties. (I've taken down my previous post if you are just tuning in.) I feel terrible that I really didn't write enough of all the things he does to help out in our family and relationship, I was mad frustrated and let it all hang out there which probably wan't the most appropriate thing to do.

Many mothers have written me in response and I have to say that I feel that I'm not alone, and in many, many cases I have it much better than other moms/wives out there, my husband really does do a lot to help. A lot. In his defense, I need to do my share in talking more about how I feel to him before I blow up (and post it to the world), I love my husband dearly and want us to be a family together. I can't imagine life without him. I need to do a better job of carving out time for myself and that is my issue not his.

It's the March of Dimes Walk for Babies Time again.

Hello to all of you Friends, Family, Mothers or Children of Mothers!

Many of you know a bit about my story, but here is the way you can help support in the name of Prevention of and research into saving Premature Babies. I thought I'd tell you again briefly about my story and about what the March of Dimes does. Before I had preemies, I had heard of March of Dimes, but never gave much thought about the organization.

My story: I went through years of Infertility issues and finally became pregnant with triplets from IVF. I lost my triplet when I was 10 weeks pregnant. As I'm an "older" mom, I was told to get an amnio. Unfortunately, (due to the way the doctor did my twin amnio) my water broke on one of my girls from the amnio at almost 17 weeks from an amnio on my twin pregnancy. I was told to abort the pregnancy, as I would deliver in 24 hours and SHOULD I last longer, there was no way that I was going to have "healthy" babies. I defied all odds and lasted 10 weeks on bedrest. As the doctors predicated, I did get an infection (and almost died) and went into preterm labor at 23 weeks, my labor was delayed until I delivered very prematurely at a bit over 26 weeks. My first born daughter, Corinne, passed away in my arms a few hours after she was born due to her poor lung development from no amn iotic fluid for 10 long weeks. My surviving twin daughter, Kaitlyn, spent 4 longs months in the NICU. Both my daughters weighed 1lb 10 ounces. My daughter Kaitlyn was very very ill during her 4 months in the Neonatal ICU. She had a heart surgery when she was 4 days old, which cased her vocal chord to become paralyzed, had eye laser surgery to stop the Prematurity related blindness disease (ROP) (it's why Stevie Wonder is blind), has a feeding tube, had countless infections, blood transfusions, and we almost lost her many times.

She is now almost 2.5 years old and is doing quite well for how sick she was. She wears glasses. She still has a feeding tube. She speaks very quietly. She still vomits a lot (better than the 20x a day she used to). She still gets therapy 4 times a week (yes a week). Her first year of life we had well over 280 doctor/therapy appointments. Can you imagine? But she is my joyous miracle and she has her special guardian angel twin-sister looking over her every day.

I've since started a lot of support groups: I run a Micro Preemie on-line support group (for babies born under 2 pounds) that has over 225 members globally. I run a local Preemie support group in the bay area. I help with a Feeding Tube support group. I've been told I've touched a lot of lives. I want to give back to this incredible community of children and parents whose lives have been changed forever by their early arrival into this world. And I really want to publish my story and get the word out! Preemie life doesn't end when you leave the NICU. It's a hard road to be on.

I've chronicled my story since my water broke: here's a link to my story if you'd like to read more: www.aLizard.com

Why am I telling you all of this and about the March of Dimes?
Well, the March of Dimes does a lot of research into the causes and recovery of Premature babies. My daughters were both given Surfactant to help their lungs. (remember they were born each weighing 1.5 pounds) It's what saved Kaitlyn. Did you know the March of Dimes was responsible for this life-saving treatment of preemies? My daughter wouldn't be here today with us if it weren't for the March of Dimes. Maybe their research in the future will be able to help babies like Corinne. Did you know that the March of Dimes was also r esponsible for the life-saving research and funding to find the cure for Polio?

Every year the March of Dimes has a walk in honor of Premature Babies. It's called March for Babies. People have been walking in support of The March of Dimes for a long time, (hence the name, March for Dimes.) Initially the walk was about raising dimes in support! Last year I was chosen to stand on stage at the San Francisco walk and speak about my story. I cried on stage. Kaitlyn joined me not long after she learned to walk. It was very emotional for me (and for the audience I was told). I feel very strongly about supporting the March of Dimes in their prevention and research in support of the March of Dimes.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
If you click on the link below you can do a number of things:

1. Walk with us and help raise money on your own in support of the March of Dimes in names of my twin daughters. There is a "register to walk" button at the bottom of the page. I can get donation envelopes and posters for you to take to your offices/families/friends. Just let me know what you need! Please walk with us and help raise money!

2. Donate to the March of Dimes in the name of my daughters without walking. You can donate directly on-line (link below), or you can send a check to me, whichever is easier for you.

3. Just walk with our team without donating. (again, click on the register to walk button) http://www.walkamerica.org/KCMccarthy

The details of the walk: It's a 10K (that's about 6 miles, but there is a short version too if that's too far) 4/26/2008 9:00 AM - Fort Mason, San FranciscoBay & Laguna StreetsSan Francisco, CA This year I've set a goal to raise $2,000! If you register to walk with us and help raise funds at your office, this will be an easy goal to make!!

The loss of a twin

Many of you may or may not know that I started a forum for mothers of Micro Preemies. When I first started it it was so that I could communicate easier with some of the friends I had made out there in blogsphere that chronicled the lives of their miracle babies. Hard to believe but I now have over 225 members! Members are from all over the world. I hear all the time that this group brings a lot of support to the members and it makes me feel proud that I can help give back. There are quite a few of us on the group who have lost a twin/triplet. A new mom just recently asked the group for support in dealing with the tragic loss of her twin.

I sent this reply to her, but I became so emotional as I wrote it, I felt I should post it here, for others who have lost a twin, or know someone who has lost an angel baby.

I too am so sorry for your loss of your precious angel, and know that she is playing with my daughter Corinne, as well as all of the the other missed and cherished angel babies from this forum. My water broke (PROM) from an amnio at 17 weeks, and my Prom Princess whose water broke grew perfectly fine in utereo but after birth her lungs just weren't helped by the steroid shots and she passed away in my arms 4 hours after her birth. Corinne is my mothers name and I ALWAYS knew I'd have a daughter and would name her Corinne. We hadn't chosen which daughter to give the name Corinne Margaret too. (Margaret is Brian's mothers name) My mother didn't know this. We had to tell her that we had named our first born daughter after her but that she had passed away, as my mother wasn't there for the emergency delivery. My husband felt strongly that our PROM princess needed our strong mothers spirits and we decided at birth to name our first born daughter Corinne Margaret with all the the hope that she will beat the odds.

As a side note, I'm pregnant again, and in a way feel that my daughter can now finally have the sibling she was supposed to have. I've wanted another child (daughter) since the moment we lost Corinne so Kaitlyn could have the sister that she lost. but am a loss as far as names go. Corinne is supposed to be here with us, especially in honor of my mother. I have no idea what we'll do for names. Sometimes, (if it's another daughter) I think of a variation of Corinne's name. Our twin Kaitlyn's name was chosen because it sounded nice together with Corinne. Corinne and Kaitlyn. (We don't know the sex yet, 3 more weeks from today we'll find out)

I had to wait to figure out what I wanted to write you before replying. Here are some of my thoughts:

1. Find others in your community who have lost a twin. It was helpful for me to meet a mom who lost a daughter/twin not long after we came home from the NICU, we went on a walk together, with our surviving twins. I also bonded very closely with a mom who lost a twin and was in the NICU the same time that we were. We became and are still very close. We called our surviving twins "each other's twins" even though he is Chinese and my daughter is as blonde as you can be. We are still very close today and I have a great caring for her son.

2. Join http://www.climb-support.org/ CLIMB stands for Center for Loss of Infant Multiple Birth. They send out a quarterly newsletter that has a lot of stories from parents. on their website they have great suggestions for announcing your children's' birth and ways to memorialize your angel.

3. I have a terrible, terrible time seeing newborn twins in strollers. My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach every time. Still, and my daughters were born 2 years and 5 months ago. I have a terrible time hearing of moms pregnant with twins. I just heard JLo delivered her twins and I feel horrible that I couldn't deliver 2 healthy twins. Older twins don't get that emotion out of me, just infants. I'm actually friends with a LOT of local twin mothers, I still belong to my local twins club. Crazy I know. Sometimes I think I'm torturing myself. But the club was soooo helpful when my water broke, as I imagine any of them could think that it had happened to them. They NEVER EVER told me, "well, be thankful you have one." Twin moms would never, ever say that. And they were so strong in telling me that I'll always be a mother of twins. That really meant a lot to me and I feel comfortable with them. I have made a lot of wonderful supportive friends in the twins group.

4. We had Corinne cremated. Our plan was to spread her ashes on a mountain top with Kaitlyn once Kaitlyn came home from the NICU. I have her small little bit of ashes in an angel keepsake box in her memory box in Kaitlyn's room. It comforts me knowing that they are in the same room together. I remember how I wanted to delay the funeral home picking up Corinne's body from the hospital as I didn't want my daughters to be away from each other. I remember that day so clearly. (wow, I'm really crying as I type this). In her memory box I have her footprints/handprints, some of her hair, her NICU bands, her NICU hat, and a pair of booties that were hand-knit for me (by a fellow prom mom) the specifications of her foot size.

5. As others have said, the pain does get better with time. I know I heard that all the time, and I didn't want to hear it as it didn't help me now at the time. I think all the time of the loss that Kaitlyn will feel over the loss of her sister. I 100% plan on telling her about her sister, in a healthy way. I know for a FACT that Kaitlyn has the most special guardian angel looking out for her. Corinne defied all odds and lasted 10 weeks without amniotic fluid. I now strongly believe that she did this to save her sister. My Mother-in-law made me 2 beautiful plates that we have hanging in Kaitlyn's room. One is of a little girl sitting in flowers (with K's name and birth date on it), the other is of a little girl laying asleep in flowers, with Corinne's' name and birth date on it. I recently have been pointing the plates out to Kaitlyn and say, "this is you" and "this is your sister" She repeats the word sister to me. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I can tell others that I lost a daughter calmly, other times I tear up. I still never know what to answer when asked how many children I have. In the beginning I always said I had 2, and when now asked if this pregnancy is my first child, I say it's my 3rd. But I don't always any more. Sometimes I keep it to myself, as I get tired of the looks of pity and the not-knowing-what-to-say-to-me-look

6. I remember so clearly when I was first able to go back into the NICU 4 days after their birth. I was in the NICU to hold Corinne when she passed away (I was rolled in on the recovery gurney), but then I became very, very ill with a septic blood infection and couldn't leave my hospital room. The first moment I went back in all I could do was look at the empty bay where Corinne was supposed to be. I completely broke down. It was empty. This was so horrible. This wasn't supposed to happen. When I finally looked at Kaitlyn I of course as all of us where, taken aback by how small and sick she looked. I'll be honest, It took me weeks, maybe months of being in the NICU of not being terrified of loosing Kaitlyn also. I felt I wasn't in a very good mental health state to be as supportive to Kaitlyn as I would have liked to be. I always made comments to the nurses about my missing my daughter and they sort of brushed off those comments. I wanted to be validated that I was a mom to twins. It was a very very hard time.

I think I'm going to post this entry to my blog. I think others who read my blog who have lost a twin could benefit from it too. My husband just walked in (he just got off work from the fire department) to find a crying hysterical pregnant wife typing this.

In Memory of all the angel babies playing together and watching over their siblings:

^Corinne Margaret^ loved and missed by her twin sister Kaitlyn Elizabeth (26w6d)

and sadly many, many more that I personally know (via blog or in person):
^Olivia Skye Eble-Schrader^ twin to Hallie Rose Eble-Schrader, 23 weeks, 4 days
^Cameron Reid^ 20 wks
^Noah Allen Silliboy^ Twin to Nathan Laine Silliboy born at 24 weeks and 3 days
^Madilyn Angelia^ (middle name means angel) (21w6d) twin to Caitlin Gean (24weeks)
^Kaleigh Grace^ twin to Braden John born at 24 weeks
^Bailey Renae Grace^ twin to Brooke Lynn Victoria born at 24 weeks
^Georgia^ and ^Livia^ triplets to Nina born at 24 weeks
^Logan William^ (25.1 weeks) twin to Cooper Scott (25.6 wks)
^William Bruin^ (23 weeks) twin to Kathryn born at at 24 weeks
^Lily Grace^, twin to Sophia Bess, born 23 weeks and 6 days.
^Julianne Beth^ (18 weeks) twin to Beth Marie born at 26 weeks
^Braedon Jacob^, twin to Conner Evan born at 23weeks 2days
^Olivia Grace^ (22 weeks 6days) twin to Emma Elizabeth born at 24 weeks
^Rebecca^ (23 weeks) twin to Sarah born at 26 weeks

Pictures!

Be sure to read the next text post, but here are a lot of pictures from our recent adventures:

A day on the beach in February in Marin County

Kaitlyn playing with sticks on the beach

Kaitlyn pondering her future
Check out my new big girl glasses!
My mom Corinne feeding Katilyn rice!
A giggle from Miss Katilyn

Feeding Katilyn on top of Angel Island after a long hike (3 miles) carrying way too much stuff with Grandma Mame (Brian's mom) in the back-ground
Mom feeding Katilyn fork mashed beans
Just finished the Kiwi fruit (green bowl)
Grandpa Gille (Brian's Dad)Our little hiker!Dad carrying Katilyn
Our tuckered out hiker!

Beautiful views of Marin County (where we live and I sell Marin County Real Estate) from Angel Island. You have to take a ferry (Kaitlyn's first boat ride) to the island. There are no cars, just hiking. Look at that trail down below us.
Golden Gate Bridge view
San Francisco, (or Cisco as Kaitlyn calls it) , the Bay Brdige and Alcatraz in the back-ground

Dad, Katilyn and Grandpa Gille on our Beautiful hike

After a long days hike (what a big girl she is looking!)

Finally an update

Hi everyone, sorry for the long delay, I think the flu bug took a while to leave me, and then I had back-to-back family in town for almost 2 weeks, which left me very little computer time.

But the good news is that today we had a detailed NT ultrasound (to check the neck folds for signs of Downs and they didn't see anything). This doesn't mean that I'm out of the woods, remember every year past age 35 your chance of having a downs child goes up highly which is why they recommend all women over 35 have an amnio. Now you know what my opinion is on amnios right?

I've also had a blood test in which I'll get the results back in a few days. It won't be guaranteed results, there are sadly a lot of false-positives, I'm just trying to stay really positive myself and say that our little peanut is just fine and perfect and that we won't be needing an amnio.

Our little peanut measured exactly where they should be, I'm 13 weeks and 1 day - which means I'm out of my first trimester, and thankfully am starting to feel a bit better also.

We got to hear the heart beat for the first time, good and strong.

Here are some pictures from today's ultra sound. We even got to see 4D pictures, (which to be honest makes our little peanut look a little alien-like), but still very cool to see all the details. Still too early to tell sex (what you see is the umbilical chord). Brian's convinced it's a boy (even before today). I don't really feel strongly one-way or the other. Last time we KNEW it was going to be girls even before we found out. We'll have to wait 5 more weeks or so to find out.

A very clear little foot!

The little peanut spent a lot of time with his/her hands near his/her mouth. Now if you recall my u/s pictures from our prom princess (our angel Corinne) whose water had broken (prom), you'll appreciate all that beautiful amniotic fluid like I did!

The 4D picture! Wow, pretty amazing isn't it? Looks like they are a thumb sucker! Look at those beautiful fingers and toes!

We saw Perinatologist Dr S, who was the first Doctor after my water broke who put it all bluntly what our outcome options were. He remembered that we had flown to Florida to try an amniopatch with Dr Quintero (which sadly didn't work). He wanted to know how Kaitlyn was doing and whether she had CP or not (which is so common for Micro preemies. We said that we were very, very fortunate that her motor skills were quite good.

I also saw my OB for the first time (this pregnancy) as I'm officially released from my RE (reproductive Endocrinologist) and I'm done with all fertility meds! Yeah!!!! That's a huge relief. She went over all the pregnancy do's and don'ts again with us....This is really happening. I'm GOING to carry this little peanut to term (well, it won't be 40 weeks, as I'll have to have a c-section, and it will be scheduled either 1 week early or 4 weeks early due to my previous incisions). So although my due date is 8/27 (and my birthday is 8/25) I think this little one may be a Leo (birth dates before 8/23) instead of a Virgo like me.

Update on Kaitlyn:

Well, good news to report on many fronts:

Kaitlyn hasn't gotten sick one single time (knock on wood) since just before Christmas! Wow! She (nor Brian) never caught my flu-bug. Her weight is doing great, I think she might be nearing 25 pounds. That's the quickest she's every gained weight. We are considering cutting back on some of her night feeds (she still gets 8 ounces of BD (Blended Diet) via gtube at night).

She's eating, really really well! She's advanced onto some regular toddler food. Now, this is strange for me to type, acknowledge and even truly believe. My daughter didn't eat ANYTHING by mouth last July. Now she is eating: goldfish crackers and LOVES them! Melba toast, Beef, pork, stew, mac-n-cheese, rice, french fries, oatmeal, spicy things, yesterday she ate a WHOLE tofu dog (not mashed) and dipped it in ketchup. Most oral averse kiddos I know of have a sever adversity to any different kinds of foods, that doesn't' seem to be the case with Kaitlyn, she loves trying new foods, it's just a matter of chewing them that's the issue.

Now, we still have a way to go and we still have a lot of work. Most of her nutrition we still have to fork-mash to a puree consistency. She still chews primarily with her front teeth, she still gags and still vomits about 1x a day. She can't handle a regular apple or orange (she'll just put it to her mouth briefly then hold on to it), but loves dried apple chips and fruit strips.

We've completely discontinued her watching the DVD, and now entertain her with my singing (not very good) or music on in the background. We play counting games, letter games etc. as the meals still can take quite a while.

Although she's still not much of a milk fan, we've tried some chocolate milk and have almost gotten rid of the straw-squeeze bottle we've had to use to get the milk into her mouth. We now are working with an open cup, but we have to hold it to her and pour into her mouth (but she will usually open her mouth). I often have to bribe and say 5 more sips, then you can have some more mac-n-cheese.

She is just starting to feed herself (which a toddler by age 2yrs 4 months) would def. be doing on their own. If she likes the food she's quite interested. Otherwise, we still feed her as a baby would be fed. I took a video last night of her eating rice on her own. I stopped the video and didn't get her refusal that happened a bit later. You'll be AMAZED at the video (but keep in mind a few minutes later I had to hold her hands down as she was batting me and the milk glass away). We can never let her get her way when it comes to refusing. She can't learn that she can get away with it. That's the primary deal with the Behavioral Therapy.

On that note, Kaitlyn's Feeding therapist (Dr Patel) has been on vacation, and we aren't due to see her again until March. I really, really am thinking that we may not need any more visits past this one. WOWEEEEEE!!! I'm not sure what else she can do to help us at t his point. Kaitlyn just has to continue to learn that she needs to chew on her back teeth. Hard to say if it's behavioral or not. Maybe so, her gag reflux is so strong, it's become a very ingrained habit.

Language and talking! Wow. Her language has absolutely taken off. She's now talking in sentences. We started with making her say: "I want...." instead of just "up" when she wants up, or open, now we make her say "I want open peeze". She learned that in just a few days. Last night was the lunar eclipse. Kaitlyn LOVES the moon and I explained that the moon was hiding and it was an eclipse, she picked it up and said, "moon hiding, eclipse" and kept repeating eclipse all night. Dad took her to the fire station, and now she says, when asked where dad is, "firehouse, down-the-pole", "firetruck" and "football" (as they were watching football when she was there).

She's into labelling EVERYTHING. She will repeat something over and over until we acknowledge her. she'll say, red light, red light red light, until we say, "yes, that's a red light" She knows her entire alphabet, even singing the alphabet song, counting in English and Spanish, and understands our Nanny's instructions in Spanish completely.

With her paralyzed vocal chord, she continues to be very quiet, but we can hear different tones of her voice. Sometimes her "voice" really is made using her chords, the other time it's more of a whisper and harder to hear.

She has the occasional 2 year old toddler tantrum (mainly if mom leaves) or I take her tooth-brush away from her, but she generally is a really, really good little girl.

We got new glasses awhile ago (forgot to mention that) as they were too big and she didn't wear them. Well her square glasses are now too small and she's in her other glasses all the time. No more chord behind her head, like a big girl!

Developmentally: Kaitlyn still is having sensory issues. She is still very hyper, and has a hard time sitting still. When we go to Easter Seals play group, she's the only one that doesn't sit during music time (and she loves music). She's getting therapy 4x a week still, which is hard on mom:

1. Speech/oral motor skills, 2. Easter Seals Play group, 3. OT (for her sensory issues) 4. Easter Seals Teacher

We have an eye doctor next week. She' still getting her monthly synagis shots against RSV. She's now really starting to hate going to the doctor (it never used to bother her before) as she knows she's getting a shot. I know 3 year hold micro preemies who have gotten very ill with RSV so as much as I hate that she's getting the shots, we are very, very fortunate that her insurance is still covering it (as it's over $2K a shot every month through April).

My mom was in town for 4 days and then Brian's parents were in town for 8. Grandmas and Grandpas loved seeing Kaitlyn, and Kaitlyn had so much fun. She says things like "grandma suitcase, open presents". We had a lot of fun, when my mom overlapped, we all went to the wine-country and went wine tasting (well I didn't taste, forgot to take any pictures) and Kaitlyn stayed home with our nanny, we went to the beach, we hiked to the top of Angel Island after taking a ferry there. Lots of activities (little time to update my blog).

Again, sorry for the long delay in this post, thank you again for all your continued support (if you are still reading this).

Sick, Sick Sick!

At first I thought my morning sickness was getting bad, then really bad, then really, really bad. No, I caught a horrible flu bug that turned into a stomach bug.

I don't recall being this sick for years (well, not counting when I almost died from becoming septic after delivery).

Finally feeling bit better today. Poor daddy had to take care of Kaitlyn and do every single feed, every diaper change and Kaitlyn wasn't a fan of mommy not getting out of bed! (and as luck would have it our nanny was sick too!)

Poor little baby peanut, he/she hasn't been able to get any nutrients (or prenatal vitamins) from mom, as I couldn't eat or drink anything for 5 days and couldn't keep anything inside me. If I wasn't better today I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital (for the sake of the baby)

Oh by the way, here's how far along I am: