A few nights ago I watched an episode of ER where a child died.
I can't tell you how this profoundly affected me.
People tell me how strong I am. It seems as if I've "moved on" I haven't I read somewhere that a mom who looses a child never moves on. Life gets easier, but the loss is always there. The what ifs and thinking about all that will never be.
When this little boy died on the show, I absolutely lost it. I was home alone and I broke out in a huge gasping sob/cry. Tears sprang to my eyes. I sat there sort of shell-shocked.
It always amazes me how close this emotion is to the surface. It felt as if my heart was breaking watching this tv character's child die, but it was personal. I was brought right back to the moment of holding my daughter as she passed away. And the grief that I feel and how much I miss her.
I'm not sure who wrote this, but it was very fitting:
1. I wish my baby hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn't because
you have hurt me. My baby's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me.
I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favorite topic of the day.
6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.
8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
12. When I say, "I'm doing okay, " I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and
that I struggle daily.
13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
14. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.
17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.
Showing posts with label loss of a twin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss of a twin. Show all posts
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
What's with Play Dates Anyways?
I never really understood what play dates were all about for babies. I mean, babies don't really play with one another right?
On Wednesday I had my first “play date”. This is strange for me to say after all, my eldest child is 3 years old. I never really understood what the big deal was over moms and play dates, here's why:
- I work during the week, play dates tend to be during the day on week-days for those non-working moms.
-Then there was that old problem of Kaitlyn never being allowed to be around other children for the first full year of her life, as well as for the first 2 winters. I went one time to a moms group, and a mom brought her sick toddler (this wasn’t a group for babies, it was all ages), and lo-and-behold Kaitlyn got her first cold a few days afterwards (she was about 10 months old (6 or so months adjusted). I was angry that a mom would bring her sick child around other children. And of course for me, it was even more of an issue as Kaitlyn was at high risk for lung issues. I had to go through round the clock breathing treatments as well as Kaitlyn needed oral steroids.
So, with Kaitlyn being at risk for RSV and with her feeding tube and vomiting issues I never left the house with her.
-All that aside, it was too hard for me to be around other children and moms that seem to have it so easy from my standpoint. I know, I’m a horrible person for thinking that but it was true. None of these moms could understand what I was going through, it was so hard. I felt very isolated.
-I also never really “got” the fact that babies aren’t really playing with each other when they are so young, they basically just sit around - so why in the world would you have a “play date”? It seemed sort of silly to me.
Well, fast forward to a few days ago when I went on my first play date. This was on official “play date” organized by one of the moms groups I belong to, about 4 or 5 moms with babies the close to the same age as Quinn. I know one of the moms personally (she was a real estate client of mine that became a friend) and she told me that another group member had recently lost a twin. I really wanted to meet the other mom (I know how hard it was to deal with this loss and wanted to be there to support her).
The morning was tough as always, pumping, feeding Quinn, giving Kaitlyn her medicine, taking Kaitlyn to school in the morning, etc. you know the drill. My nanny came and she was at home alone for a bit before she went to pick up Kaitlyn from school (that’s part of my dilemma, how can I do play dates when I have a full-time nanny, as I DO work full-time?)
Anyways, to make a long-story short. It was fun! I think I get it now. All of our babies had just started smiling and starting to have head control. They noticed each other. We swapped breast feeding/breast pumping stories. We talked about our lack of sleep. We commented how cute each others babies were. We bonded, as we really were going through the same things at the same time. I could relate. Finally, I could relate with being just a plain old mom.
I was able to talk to the mom who recently lost a twin after going through many prior heart-breaking attempts at trying to have children. My heart just broke for her. I understood her pain. Her twins were born at 34 weeks (wow, like Quinn) and one of them got Necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) and passed away from an infection. Made my soul gasp. Made me realize that even 34 weeks (like Quinn) is early and anything could have happened. I feel so lucky this time around. We spent some time talking and I think she enjoyed having a mom to talk to who got all the emotions that are passing through her. She said she didn’t realize how risky carrying twins is. I too totally understand that.
AND for me, I said to myself, “ok, this is what motherhood should be like.” Easily pack up the infant, with a bottle of milk and a burp cloth and go visit with other moms. No vomit (of course some spit-up but geesh, it’s just spit-up!) I’d love to do it again. I have to try to figure out my schedule to allow some fun “mom and baby time.” I never got to experience this before.
I’m a mom of a regular baby, a little bit early, but basically a regular baby. And you know what?? It feels great!
On Wednesday I had my first “play date”. This is strange for me to say after all, my eldest child is 3 years old. I never really understood what the big deal was over moms and play dates, here's why:
- I work during the week, play dates tend to be during the day on week-days for those non-working moms.
-Then there was that old problem of Kaitlyn never being allowed to be around other children for the first full year of her life, as well as for the first 2 winters. I went one time to a moms group, and a mom brought her sick toddler (this wasn’t a group for babies, it was all ages), and lo-and-behold Kaitlyn got her first cold a few days afterwards (she was about 10 months old (6 or so months adjusted). I was angry that a mom would bring her sick child around other children. And of course for me, it was even more of an issue as Kaitlyn was at high risk for lung issues. I had to go through round the clock breathing treatments as well as Kaitlyn needed oral steroids.
So, with Kaitlyn being at risk for RSV and with her feeding tube and vomiting issues I never left the house with her.
-All that aside, it was too hard for me to be around other children and moms that seem to have it so easy from my standpoint. I know, I’m a horrible person for thinking that but it was true. None of these moms could understand what I was going through, it was so hard. I felt very isolated.
-I also never really “got” the fact that babies aren’t really playing with each other when they are so young, they basically just sit around - so why in the world would you have a “play date”? It seemed sort of silly to me.
Well, fast forward to a few days ago when I went on my first play date. This was on official “play date” organized by one of the moms groups I belong to, about 4 or 5 moms with babies the close to the same age as Quinn. I know one of the moms personally (she was a real estate client of mine that became a friend) and she told me that another group member had recently lost a twin. I really wanted to meet the other mom (I know how hard it was to deal with this loss and wanted to be there to support her).
The morning was tough as always, pumping, feeding Quinn, giving Kaitlyn her medicine, taking Kaitlyn to school in the morning, etc. you know the drill. My nanny came and she was at home alone for a bit before she went to pick up Kaitlyn from school (that’s part of my dilemma, how can I do play dates when I have a full-time nanny, as I DO work full-time?)
Anyways, to make a long-story short. It was fun! I think I get it now. All of our babies had just started smiling and starting to have head control. They noticed each other. We swapped breast feeding/breast pumping stories. We talked about our lack of sleep. We commented how cute each others babies were. We bonded, as we really were going through the same things at the same time. I could relate. Finally, I could relate with being just a plain old mom.
I was able to talk to the mom who recently lost a twin after going through many prior heart-breaking attempts at trying to have children. My heart just broke for her. I understood her pain. Her twins were born at 34 weeks (wow, like Quinn) and one of them got Necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) and passed away from an infection. Made my soul gasp. Made me realize that even 34 weeks (like Quinn) is early and anything could have happened. I feel so lucky this time around. We spent some time talking and I think she enjoyed having a mom to talk to who got all the emotions that are passing through her. She said she didn’t realize how risky carrying twins is. I too totally understand that.
AND for me, I said to myself, “ok, this is what motherhood should be like.” Easily pack up the infant, with a bottle of milk and a burp cloth and go visit with other moms. No vomit (of course some spit-up but geesh, it’s just spit-up!) I’d love to do it again. I have to try to figure out my schedule to allow some fun “mom and baby time.” I never got to experience this before.
I’m a mom of a regular baby, a little bit early, but basically a regular baby. And you know what?? It feels great!
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
The loss of a twin
Many of you may or may not know that I started a forum for mothers of Micro Preemies. When I first started it it was so that I could communicate easier with some of the friends I had made out there in blogsphere that chronicled the lives of their miracle babies. Hard to believe but I now have over 225 members! Members are from all over the world. I hear all the time that this group brings a lot of support to the members and it makes me feel proud that I can help give back. There are quite a few of us on the group who have lost a twin/triplet. A new mom just recently asked the group for support in dealing with the tragic loss of her twin.
I sent this reply to her, but I became so emotional as I wrote it, I felt I should post it here, for others who have lost a twin, or know someone who has lost an angel baby.
I too am so sorry for your loss of your precious angel, and know that she is playing with my daughter Corinne, as well as all of the the other missed and cherished angel babies from this forum. My water broke (PROM) from an amnio at 17 weeks, and my Prom Princess whose water broke grew perfectly fine in utereo but after birth her lungs just weren't helped by the steroid shots and she passed away in my arms 4 hours after her birth. Corinne is my mothers name and I ALWAYS knew I'd have a daughter and would name her Corinne. We hadn't chosen which daughter to give the name Corinne Margaret too. (Margaret is Brian's mothers name) My mother didn't know this. We had to tell her that we had named our first born daughter after her but that she had passed away, as my mother wasn't there for the emergency delivery. My husband felt strongly that our PROM princess needed our strong mothers spirits and we decided at birth to name our first born daughter Corinne Margaret with all the the hope that she will beat the odds.
As a side note, I'm pregnant again, and in a way feel that my daughter can now finally have the sibling she was supposed to have. I've wanted another child (daughter) since the moment we lost Corinne so Kaitlyn could have the sister that she lost. but am a loss as far as names go. Corinne is supposed to be here with us, especially in honor of my mother. I have no idea what we'll do for names. Sometimes, (if it's another daughter) I think of a variation of Corinne's name. Our twin Kaitlyn's name was chosen because it sounded nice together with Corinne. Corinne and Kaitlyn. (We don't know the sex yet, 3 more weeks from today we'll find out)
I had to wait to figure out what I wanted to write you before replying. Here are some of my thoughts:
1. Find others in your community who have lost a twin. It was helpful for me to meet a mom who lost a daughter/twin not long after we came home from the NICU, we went on a walk together, with our surviving twins. I also bonded very closely with a mom who lost a twin and was in the NICU the same time that we were. We became and are still very close. We called our surviving twins "each other's twins" even though he is Chinese and my daughter is as blonde as you can be. We are still very close today and I have a great caring for her son.
2. Join http://www.climb-support.org/ CLIMB stands for Center for Loss of Infant Multiple Birth. They send out a quarterly newsletter that has a lot of stories from parents. on their website they have great suggestions for announcing your children's' birth and ways to memorialize your angel.
3. I have a terrible, terrible time seeing newborn twins in strollers. My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach every time. Still, and my daughters were born 2 years and 5 months ago. I have a terrible time hearing of moms pregnant with twins. I just heard JLo delivered her twins and I feel horrible that I couldn't deliver 2 healthy twins. Older twins don't get that emotion out of me, just infants. I'm actually friends with a LOT of local twin mothers, I still belong to my local twins club. Crazy I know. Sometimes I think I'm torturing myself. But the club was soooo helpful when my water broke, as I imagine any of them could think that it had happened to them. They NEVER EVER told me, "well, be thankful you have one." Twin moms would never, ever say that. And they were so strong in telling me that I'll always be a mother of twins. That really meant a lot to me and I feel comfortable with them. I have made a lot of wonderful supportive friends in the twins group.
4. We had Corinne cremated. Our plan was to spread her ashes on a mountain top with Kaitlyn once Kaitlyn came home from the NICU. I have her small little bit of ashes in an angel keepsake box in her memory box in Kaitlyn's room. It comforts me knowing that they are in the same room together. I remember how I wanted to delay the funeral home picking up Corinne's body from the hospital as I didn't want my daughters to be away from each other. I remember that day so clearly. (wow, I'm really crying as I type this). In her memory box I have her footprints/handprints, some of her hair, her NICU bands, her NICU hat, and a pair of booties that were hand-knit for me (by a fellow prom mom) the specifications of her foot size.
5. As others have said, the pain does get better with time. I know I heard that all the time, and I didn't want to hear it as it didn't help me now at the time. I think all the time of the loss that Kaitlyn will feel over the loss of her sister. I 100% plan on telling her about her sister, in a healthy way. I know for a FACT that Kaitlyn has the most special guardian angel looking out for her. Corinne defied all odds and lasted 10 weeks without amniotic fluid. I now strongly believe that she did this to save her sister. My Mother-in-law made me 2 beautiful plates that we have hanging in Kaitlyn's room. One is of a little girl sitting in flowers (with K's name and birth date on it), the other is of a little girl laying asleep in flowers, with Corinne's' name and birth date on it. I recently have been pointing the plates out to Kaitlyn and say, "this is you" and "this is your sister" She repeats the word sister to me. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I can tell others that I lost a daughter calmly, other times I tear up. I still never know what to answer when asked how many children I have. In the beginning I always said I had 2, and when now asked if this pregnancy is my first child, I say it's my 3rd. But I don't always any more. Sometimes I keep it to myself, as I get tired of the looks of pity and the not-knowing-what-to-say-to-me-look
6. I remember so clearly when I was first able to go back into the NICU 4 days after their birth. I was in the NICU to hold Corinne when she passed away (I was rolled in on the recovery gurney), but then I became very, very ill with a septic blood infection and couldn't leave my hospital room. The first moment I went back in all I could do was look at the empty bay where Corinne was supposed to be. I completely broke down. It was empty. This was so horrible. This wasn't supposed to happen. When I finally looked at Kaitlyn I of course as all of us where, taken aback by how small and sick she looked. I'll be honest, It took me weeks, maybe months of being in the NICU of not being terrified of loosing Kaitlyn also. I felt I wasn't in a very good mental health state to be as supportive to Kaitlyn as I would have liked to be. I always made comments to the nurses about my missing my daughter and they sort of brushed off those comments. I wanted to be validated that I was a mom to twins. It was a very very hard time.
I think I'm going to post this entry to my blog. I think others who read my blog who have lost a twin could benefit from it too. My husband just walked in (he just got off work from the fire department) to find a crying hysterical pregnant wife typing this.
In Memory of all the angel babies playing together and watching over their siblings:
^Corinne Margaret^ loved and missed by her twin sister Kaitlyn Elizabeth (26w6d)
and sadly many, many more that I personally know (via blog or in person):
^Olivia Skye Eble-Schrader^ twin to Hallie Rose Eble-Schrader, 23 weeks, 4 days
^Cameron Reid^ 20 wks
^Noah Allen Silliboy^ Twin to Nathan Laine Silliboy born at 24 weeks and 3 days
^Madilyn Angelia^ (middle name means angel) (21w6d) twin to Caitlin Gean (24weeks)
^Kaleigh Grace^ twin to Braden John born at 24 weeks
^Bailey Renae Grace^ twin to Brooke Lynn Victoria born at 24 weeks
^Georgia^ and ^Livia^ triplets to Nina born at 24 weeks
^Logan William^ (25.1 weeks) twin to Cooper Scott (25.6 wks)
^William Bruin^ (23 weeks) twin to Kathryn born at at 24 weeks
^Lily Grace^, twin to Sophia Bess, born 23 weeks and 6 days.
^Julianne Beth^ (18 weeks) twin to Beth Marie born at 26 weeks
^Braedon Jacob^, twin to Conner Evan born at 23weeks 2days
^Olivia Grace^ (22 weeks 6days) twin to Emma Elizabeth born at 24 weeks
^Rebecca^ (23 weeks) twin to Sarah born at 26 weeks
I sent this reply to her, but I became so emotional as I wrote it, I felt I should post it here, for others who have lost a twin, or know someone who has lost an angel baby.
I too am so sorry for your loss of your precious angel, and know that she is playing with my daughter Corinne, as well as all of the the other missed and cherished angel babies from this forum. My water broke (PROM) from an amnio at 17 weeks, and my Prom Princess whose water broke grew perfectly fine in utereo but after birth her lungs just weren't helped by the steroid shots and she passed away in my arms 4 hours after her birth. Corinne is my mothers name and I ALWAYS knew I'd have a daughter and would name her Corinne. We hadn't chosen which daughter to give the name Corinne Margaret too. (Margaret is Brian's mothers name) My mother didn't know this. We had to tell her that we had named our first born daughter after her but that she had passed away, as my mother wasn't there for the emergency delivery. My husband felt strongly that our PROM princess needed our strong mothers spirits and we decided at birth to name our first born daughter Corinne Margaret with all the the hope that she will beat the odds.
As a side note, I'm pregnant again, and in a way feel that my daughter can now finally have the sibling she was supposed to have. I've wanted another child (daughter) since the moment we lost Corinne so Kaitlyn could have the sister that she lost. but am a loss as far as names go. Corinne is supposed to be here with us, especially in honor of my mother. I have no idea what we'll do for names. Sometimes, (if it's another daughter) I think of a variation of Corinne's name. Our twin Kaitlyn's name was chosen because it sounded nice together with Corinne. Corinne and Kaitlyn. (We don't know the sex yet, 3 more weeks from today we'll find out)
I had to wait to figure out what I wanted to write you before replying. Here are some of my thoughts:
1. Find others in your community who have lost a twin. It was helpful for me to meet a mom who lost a daughter/twin not long after we came home from the NICU, we went on a walk together, with our surviving twins. I also bonded very closely with a mom who lost a twin and was in the NICU the same time that we were. We became and are still very close. We called our surviving twins "each other's twins" even though he is Chinese and my daughter is as blonde as you can be. We are still very close today and I have a great caring for her son.
2. Join http://www.climb-support.org/ CLIMB stands for Center for Loss of Infant Multiple Birth. They send out a quarterly newsletter that has a lot of stories from parents. on their website they have great suggestions for announcing your children's' birth and ways to memorialize your angel.
3. I have a terrible, terrible time seeing newborn twins in strollers. My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach every time. Still, and my daughters were born 2 years and 5 months ago. I have a terrible time hearing of moms pregnant with twins. I just heard JLo delivered her twins and I feel horrible that I couldn't deliver 2 healthy twins. Older twins don't get that emotion out of me, just infants. I'm actually friends with a LOT of local twin mothers, I still belong to my local twins club. Crazy I know. Sometimes I think I'm torturing myself. But the club was soooo helpful when my water broke, as I imagine any of them could think that it had happened to them. They NEVER EVER told me, "well, be thankful you have one." Twin moms would never, ever say that. And they were so strong in telling me that I'll always be a mother of twins. That really meant a lot to me and I feel comfortable with them. I have made a lot of wonderful supportive friends in the twins group.
4. We had Corinne cremated. Our plan was to spread her ashes on a mountain top with Kaitlyn once Kaitlyn came home from the NICU. I have her small little bit of ashes in an angel keepsake box in her memory box in Kaitlyn's room. It comforts me knowing that they are in the same room together. I remember how I wanted to delay the funeral home picking up Corinne's body from the hospital as I didn't want my daughters to be away from each other. I remember that day so clearly. (wow, I'm really crying as I type this). In her memory box I have her footprints/handprints, some of her hair, her NICU bands, her NICU hat, and a pair of booties that were hand-knit for me (by a fellow prom mom) the specifications of her foot size.
5. As others have said, the pain does get better with time. I know I heard that all the time, and I didn't want to hear it as it didn't help me now at the time. I think all the time of the loss that Kaitlyn will feel over the loss of her sister. I 100% plan on telling her about her sister, in a healthy way. I know for a FACT that Kaitlyn has the most special guardian angel looking out for her. Corinne defied all odds and lasted 10 weeks without amniotic fluid. I now strongly believe that she did this to save her sister. My Mother-in-law made me 2 beautiful plates that we have hanging in Kaitlyn's room. One is of a little girl sitting in flowers (with K's name and birth date on it), the other is of a little girl laying asleep in flowers, with Corinne's' name and birth date on it. I recently have been pointing the plates out to Kaitlyn and say, "this is you" and "this is your sister" She repeats the word sister to me. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I can tell others that I lost a daughter calmly, other times I tear up. I still never know what to answer when asked how many children I have. In the beginning I always said I had 2, and when now asked if this pregnancy is my first child, I say it's my 3rd. But I don't always any more. Sometimes I keep it to myself, as I get tired of the looks of pity and the not-knowing-what-to-say-to-me-look
6. I remember so clearly when I was first able to go back into the NICU 4 days after their birth. I was in the NICU to hold Corinne when she passed away (I was rolled in on the recovery gurney), but then I became very, very ill with a septic blood infection and couldn't leave my hospital room. The first moment I went back in all I could do was look at the empty bay where Corinne was supposed to be. I completely broke down. It was empty. This was so horrible. This wasn't supposed to happen. When I finally looked at Kaitlyn I of course as all of us where, taken aback by how small and sick she looked. I'll be honest, It took me weeks, maybe months of being in the NICU of not being terrified of loosing Kaitlyn also. I felt I wasn't in a very good mental health state to be as supportive to Kaitlyn as I would have liked to be. I always made comments to the nurses about my missing my daughter and they sort of brushed off those comments. I wanted to be validated that I was a mom to twins. It was a very very hard time.
I think I'm going to post this entry to my blog. I think others who read my blog who have lost a twin could benefit from it too. My husband just walked in (he just got off work from the fire department) to find a crying hysterical pregnant wife typing this.
In Memory of all the angel babies playing together and watching over their siblings:
^Corinne Margaret^ loved and missed by her twin sister Kaitlyn Elizabeth (26w6d)
and sadly many, many more that I personally know (via blog or in person):
^Olivia Skye Eble-Schrader^ twin to Hallie Rose Eble-Schrader, 23 weeks, 4 days
^Cameron Reid^ 20 wks
^Noah Allen Silliboy^ Twin to Nathan Laine Silliboy born at 24 weeks and 3 days
^Madilyn Angelia^ (middle name means angel) (21w6d) twin to Caitlin Gean (24weeks)
^Kaleigh Grace^ twin to Braden John born at 24 weeks
^Bailey Renae Grace^ twin to Brooke Lynn Victoria born at 24 weeks
^Georgia^ and ^Livia^ triplets to Nina born at 24 weeks
^Logan William^ (25.1 weeks) twin to Cooper Scott (25.6 wks)
^William Bruin^ (23 weeks) twin to Kathryn born at at 24 weeks
^Lily Grace^, twin to Sophia Bess, born 23 weeks and 6 days.
^Julianne Beth^ (18 weeks) twin to Beth Marie born at 26 weeks
^Braedon Jacob^, twin to Conner Evan born at 23weeks 2days
^Olivia Grace^ (22 weeks 6days) twin to Emma Elizabeth born at 24 weeks
^Rebecca^ (23 weeks) twin to Sarah born at 26 weeks
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