Friday, February 13, 2009

8 Twins born in San Francisco

I wish it weren't the case, but hearing about newborn close-to-term twins continues to take my breath away. Whenever a movie star has twins, I have problems. Whenever anyone has twins, I feel pain. A twinge of jealousy. yes. I'm sorry but it's the truth. I feel sadness, wishing it was my good news.

Maybe I'm a horrible person. I of course am very happy for the parents, I always am eternally grateful that they didn't have to experience what I did. But it's still really hard for me. I hope it won't always be this way. Older twins don't bring on the same reaction. It's just newborn twins.

I guess because I never got that joy. I knew the excitement of being pregnant with twins, anticipating it all. Announcing to all our families and loved-ones that were were having twins. But our good news stopped after I had my amnio.

This news story really affected me tonight:

8 Newborn sets of twins born to 8 couples within 4 days at the hospital where I delivered my twins in San Francisco. The news story goes on to say that all are healthy (meaning born close to term to not be in the NICU, my NICU), and that the SF Bay Area is known for advanced maternal age (35) where the rest of the country the maternal age is in the 20's (I knew that).

As I watched the story my heart thumped out of my chest, I gulped and felt a sob escape me. Will this feeling ever go away?

Here's the link to the video segment from our local news: 8 twins born in 4 days in San Francisco

Congratulations to all of you!
Valentines Day, Katilyn wanted to see some pictures on my computer. Kaitlyn's been asking about my csection scar and I've told her that's where Quinn came out as well as Kaitlyn and her sister Corinne. Today she wanted to see some pictures and were looking at their birth pictures just felt I had to post these 2:

Happy Valentines Day Corinne, we miss you

And world, here are MY twins together for the last time.


Diane said...

After going in to labor at 25 weeks my twins were born at 33 weeks 4 days. They were in the NICU for 3 weeks and are fine today, almost a year later. I have been through a tiny fraction of the trauma you experienced. And I still cry when I see babies born on tv. Tears come easily, like they are just sitting there ready at any moment, when I see babies in a regular nursery or a NICU (not even in real life, just on tv). Tears of jealousy, fear and sadness seep out when I hear a mom talk about her birth experience. Those tears spring from a hurt that seems to be a permanent addition to my being, a very slow-healing cut in my soul. And my babies were born at almost 34 weeks, in the hospital only 3, and are fine today. Given all you've lost, your cut must go so deep. I can't imagine how long it would take a cut like that to heal. And if it ever does, it must leave a mighty scar.
Thank you for your constant honesty. You have helped me gain perspective in some very dark hours.

Courtney said...

you are so honest and for that thank you. there is nothing wrong with how you feel.

wishing you tons of love today and always!

happy valentine's day...

Jennifer said...

Liz, if I could give you a big hug right now I would! I can't even begin to imagine how tough it is. You are so strong and so honest. And yes, sobbing is okay! Never try to stop the tears from flowing. You've gone through a lot.

Amy said...

Let me start by saying I am blessed. My life, and my kids, are happy and healthy and I could not have asked for more. But when my twins were born at 31 weeks, it was the scariest event to ever take ME. Then, my son spent 2 months in the NICU literally not knowing if he would survive. I have yet to be able to talk about my birth experience without it ending in tears. I simply cannot. I will never see their births as a "happy" event. I thrilled with the outcome, thankful for the chance to have my two healthy children, and all-too-aware that so many people out there would give anything to have had my outcome. But happy memories of their birth? It will just never happen. So, yes, I think it's normal, your reaction. You may well never move past it. And that's okay.

L I S A said...

Liz - you're not the only one who feels this way. It's hard for me to hear about it too, esp celebrity news. I don't know if we'll ever get over it. You have Q and we're expecting (via surrogate) but I still get upset if friends or family get pregnant too. I feel horrible for putting that out there, but I'm being honest. Thinking of you!


Shannon and Carey said...

I so wish that things had turned out differently for you. I really do. I do not know your pain. But I do know that you're a wonderful mother to an absolutely beautiful family.

Happy Valentine's Day to you, Kaitlyn, Corinne, Quinn and Brian

-Shannon in Austin

Anonymous said...


It makes me feel better to actually hear someone else "say" this outloud. I am the mother of boy/boy fraternal twins born at 24 weeks gestation. We lost one of our sons after 2 days. We are very blessed to have our surviving twin. He has numerous issues related to his prematurity. I identify with alot of what you go through with Kaitlyn with her feeding issues.

Anyway, I still get angry when I see a pregnant woman. Worse, is friends who are pregnant who complain about being uncomfortable. I just want to scream "Don't you know how lucky you are?? I didn't even make it to my thrid trimester" I too cannot deal with seeing twins. Boy/boy twins send me running away crying. It makes me sad for what I lost and angry that I will never get to see my children play together.

Thank you for your post. I feel that maybe if you feel the same way, maybe I'm not a horrible person for feeling this way too.

Natalie and Abigail said...

Liz, Every time I see that picture of Kaitlyn and Corinne, I am so thankful you have it. I think it is so special that you were able to get this picture and that you will always have something of them together.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I just can not imagine. My thoughts are with you.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for this post. I lost one twin and the other one was born a premie and is struggling with BDP. I have been struggling with same feelings you are describing and feeling like I am such a bad person for these feelings. I can not bear to see twins. I felt so special tp be pego with twins and then the trauma of finding one had died. To the day I die, the pain will be as fresh as the day I found out about the loss at the NST. I am glad I am not alone in having these feelings.

The Microblogologist said...

I have read you and other bloggers who had lost a child, be it a twin, triplet, or singleton. Reading these accounts has moved me to tears many times, and I am not a crier, and I know that there is absolutely no way the sympathy pain I feel comes anywhere near the real pain that you and the others feel. How can you not be upset when you hear about such events or when you see people with what you wanted with all your heart and soul? I admire you for being as well adjusted as you are and having the courage to express these feelings, they do not make you a horrible person they make you a real person! I'm sure I've said it before but I'll say it again because it is worth repeating, Corrine is beautiful.

Michele said...

I am glad that my feelings are completely normal. I just thank God everyday that I was one of the lucky ones that got to feel what it is like to have two babies inside of me, feeling them move. We were blessed with that! Even though we never got the chance to bring our twins home, be "mom's of twins" and experience all the stuff that twin mommies get to experience. We have that memorie. I am so sad looking at twins...everywhere. We cant go back...just ahead. You are allowed to feel mad, sad, hurt, and many other feelings...God knows, I do all the time. Please hang in there...they say it gets easier...I am going to hold onto that thought! (hugs)

Kristina said...

Your feelings are 100% normal. I think ALL moms of preemies feel this way, even if their baby was "only" in the NICU for a week. In my experience, those feelings do lesson with time.

Anonymous said...

So nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. While I am happy for them, I really wish the hollywood stars would stop having twins. My girls were born at 25 weeks in Dec. 03. While I have one beautiful, thriving, healthy daughter, her beautiful sister passed away at 15 months due to lung issues from her prematurity. 5 years later, it still hurts to see infants twins and I still experience a sadness when I hear of twins born at or near term...the sadness is for what I never got to have. I also have no issue with older twins, just the babies. Thanks for voicing it.

Melissa Locke said...

Hello Liz and others,

I had my twins at 25 weeks 4 days gestation in Oct 07 due to incompetent cervix and we are lucky enough to have them both with us today, so I can't imagine what you have gone through losing one. I just love the pics of Corrine! She was a special soul indeed. I also get bitter, sometimes even for friends/family who have singletons, but hearing about nearly full term twins, makes me cry as well. I do not think I will ever get over it as I still long for a normal delivery, heathly born babies. At least I know I am not alone in this feeling.

Daxton's Personal Assistant said...

Hi Liz,
I just happened upon your blog and I want to tell you I'm sorry for your loss, and I understand your feelings. We lost our twin girl last year and our surviving twin (born at 23 weeks) spent 8 months in the hospital, but is now home and doing well despite some issues related to his prematurity. I count my blessigs everyday and am so thankful for my son, but as I go through my daily routine and see mothers with their perfect little twins and hear them complain about how busy they are and how stressed they are, etc... I just want to stop them and remind them how lucky they are... I don't, because inside I know that people shouldn't know what we know, and I'm thankful for their naivety and oblivion to the other side of this coin... At any rate, thank you for putting into words what I and all these other mothers feel, and making it okay for us to talk about it...

Anonymous said...


Cornie is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen!In that early weeks every baby's feature is not very distinct but She had the most beautiful and prominent feature!
You didn't talk about Kaitlyn for a long time!Her development really amazes me!You are very lucky!Even she has some little issues but she has the smartest brain while I know lot of preemie babies are suffering with severe developmental delays and some of them can't even walk or talk!Please tell about her recent development and how she is doing in her class and therapy.


Erin said...

I just spent the morning sobbing my eyes out reading your story and looking at your Flickr photos of the twins' birth. It has to be one of the more vulnerable, raw moments of love and pain Ive ever laid eyes on. I gave up on the crib nap and my own preemie (a week earlier than quinn and also pprom) is sleeping in my arms. Thank you for sharing. I would never begrudge you pain at the sight of newborn twins