5 years old..

Wow, Kaitlyn will be 5 years old next week. How can that be?

Last night I watched the video I made 2 years ago for Kaitlyn and Corinne for the March of Dimes. I don't watch it often, or look at Kaitlyn's baby pictures as often I as I used to, but this time I watched it, although I teared up, I was able to look at Kaitlyn then and compare her to all of her wonderfulness now. In a way it was hard for me to believe that she was actually that small, that tiny, that sick....

March of Dimes San Francisco Ambassador Family 2009 from lizmccarthy on Vimeo.

Later that night, as I lay in bed next to Kaitlyn I was filled with joy as I thought of all the wonderful things my daughter has accomplished so far in her short life and how incredible proud I was of her and how much I wanted to wake her up and tell her that I was honored to be her mother.

Then it hit me, I missed Corinne. I had so recently in the evening saw pictures of my Corinne and my heart and arms were empty for my one daughter while at the same time feeling such joy at my other daughter. I gasped out in horrible sorrow, wanting more. Wanting to have had a normal twin experience. Wanting both my full term healthy twins to be with me in bed...Will this raw emotion feeling ever go away....

October 4th. Kaitlyn is soooo excited about her birthday party this Saturday. She counts down the days every morning when we wake up. She is just the joy of my life.

For this years birthday cake I asked them to write Corinne's name in the corner of the cake along with Kaitlyn's big name. I need her to be honored on the day that she was born and that she passed away.

So many moms think of joy and the memories of the birth of their first child on their birthdays...October 4th is still a day that isn't joyous for me

Sushi

Hard to believe that Kaitlyn was 100% tube fed not that long ago. This video is for all of my micro and other mom friends whose children are fed via feeding tube. There is HOPE. I was totally hopeless not that long ago. Kaitlyn eats now like a regular kid (and then some). Watch her devour Sushi! (Wish I filmed the whole dinner as she was eating like she had never been fed before). I think she's going through a major growth spurt!

Dreams

The other morning Kaitlyn told me that she dreamt about: "scuba divers, hospitals and chickens." Just wanted to remember that one for the memory book!

I always ask her about her dreams and she can come up with the most amazing, things. Most of the time I think she has no idea what was in her dreams and just comes up with something imaginative. I just loved thinking about what a crazy dream scuba divers, hospitals and chickens. My daughter certainly has a wonderful imagination!

Today was Kaitlyn's first day of Preschool (for the 3rd time). The class that she is in now is a different class (for 4 year olds, even though Kaitlyn is turning 5 in a month). She was a bit nervous in the bigger class, but settled right in when she saw all of her friends. She really is one amazing tough little girl that isn't afraid of much.

Her special ed class started last week, and she is doing that 2 days a week, and preschool 4 days a week (Thursday's overlap and are going to be a bit long for her, we'll see how she does).

Kaitlyn is getting very excited this year for her birthday, but (lucky for mom) doesn't care much about what her party is all about, just that it has birthday cake, candle (with a number 5 on it), balloons and a bounce house! (no princess themed parties for my little one!).

I was thinking yesterday of this time back in 2005. As my water broke on July 26th 2005 (how I'll never forget that life changing date) and I was still on bed rest now in September...months later...wow crazy to think about.

I found today a book where I noted what Kaitlyn weighed every day (I know that sounds neurotic, but I was looking at the overall average) when she was still tube fed. I discovered today that at age 2 Kaitlyn weighed 23 pounds and Quinn only weighs 21 pounds! I knew he was a little guy. He is such a picky eater. Trying to find foods that he likes while at the same time trying to not "bend" to make him more of a picky eater as he REALLY does need to gain some weight. Quinn hates pasta and bread! What kid hates mac and cheese?

I guess I look at my brother and I. We were skinny. Really skinny. I wore size 0 for many years as a teenager. I remember my mom making me drink protein shakes to try to gain weight. My brother is still really skinny (being a world class Marathon runner and all - he was 7th in the US a few years ago for the Olympic Trials). So all in all, I'm going to have skinny kids. Not a bad thing right? I'm trying not to stress over it and just try to feed them healthy food (wish I was a bit better at that due to lack of time), at least they both like broccoli and carrots!

We went to the beach on Labor Day in West Marin. It was sooo beautiful and the weather was perfect. It was nice to take time off with the family. The beach is about 45 minutes from our house out windy roads. We went to a beach called Drakes Beach, which is where Sir Francis Drake landed many years ago. Lots of history there. Kaitlyn (my daughter who has very few fears) was terrified of the waves. She hates the sound of it and it terrifies her (even though ironically she sleeps to a sound machine with ocean sounds). Such a clear example of her Sensory Issues. She can fall down and be bleeding and you'll hardly hear a peep out of her, but she won't venture anywhere near the waves without having a severe breakdown of anxiety.

I stupidly didn't take a single picture, we were having too much fun! But here are a few other recent pictures:

Quinn at the pool this weekend

Kaitlyn after she saw her friends and wasn't nervous any more
Kaitlyn a little nervous after first arriving (playing with fireman toys!)
Before school
Before School...Look how big I'm getting! (Kaitlyn tells me every day that she's bigger! I really think she's going through a growth spurt as she's eating a LOT and even when I look at her she seems taller to me.)