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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

5 years old..

Wow, Kaitlyn will be 5 years old next week. How can that be?

Last night I watched the video I made 2 years ago for Kaitlyn and Corinne for the March of Dimes. I don't watch it often, or look at Kaitlyn's baby pictures as often I as I used to, but this time I watched it, although I teared up, I was able to look at Kaitlyn then and compare her to all of her wonderfulness now. In a way it was hard for me to believe that she was actually that small, that tiny, that sick....



March of Dimes San Francisco Ambassador Family 2009 from lizmccarthy on Vimeo.


Later that night, as I lay in bed next to Kaitlyn I was filled with joy as I thought of all the wonderful things my daughter has accomplished so far in her short life and how incredible proud I was of her and how much I wanted to wake her up and tell her that I was honored to be her mother.

Then it hit me, I missed Corinne. I had so recently in the evening saw pictures of my Corinne and my heart and arms were empty for my one daughter while at the same time feeling such joy at my other daughter. I gasped out in horrible sorrow, wanting more. Wanting to have had a normal twin experience. Wanting both my full term healthy twins to be with me in bed...Will this raw emotion feeling ever go away....

October 4th. Kaitlyn is soooo excited about her birthday party this Saturday. She counts down the days every morning when we wake up. She is just the joy of my life.

For this years birthday cake I asked them to write Corinne's name in the corner of the cake along with Kaitlyn's big name. I need her to be honored on the day that she was born and that she passed away.

So many moms think of joy and the memories of the birth of their first child on their birthdays...October 4th is still a day that isn't joyous for me

9 comments:

Zack's Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zack's Mom said...

My son just turned 3...I cried...I cried for what he's become and overcome...he was 2 months early, but pregnancy was scary and not enjoyable...his birth was frightening. Then my daughter was born and passed at 23 weeks this past may....also named Corinne...and well...birthdays just aren't joyful for me.
I love seeing how far K has come and I LOVE seeing some of these same progressions in my son...it's been a long road...it's hard to balance cherishing the forward movement while grieving the past.

catchupdaphne said...

A big hug to you, Liz. Kaitlyn is so amazing, and it thrills me to see how well she is doing, how far she has come. I've only been through one birthday of my girls, and the day felt incredibly raw. Joy for one, and a huge gaping hole where the other should be. It's amazing how such opposite feelings can happen hand in hand. Happy birthday!

Anne, Eliza Grace's mom said...

Kaitlyn is such a beautiful little girl. I'll be thinking of you all.

Flo said...

Kaitlyn is an amazing little girl,
and you are a beautiful person.

Big hugs to you all

Anonymous said...

Hey Liz, I've been reading your blog for some time, I was just wondering, before Corrine traveled up to Heaven, were you and Brian informed whether or not she and K were identical?

bigstepslittlefeet said...

I'm now following your blog. I'll be celebrating my preemie's first birthday this weekend. He was born at 32 weeks. I hope that my blog is as good as yours one day :) It's nice to find like minded bloggers.

Gypsy505 said...

I love looking around for happy outcomes of preemies. Thanks for your blog efforts.

Anonymous said...

My daughter was born on October 4th too, at 24 wks 2 days and 1.8 lbs. She is now 7 weeks old and weighs 2.10. I admire your courage, and enjoy reading your blogs. Thank you