sick = 1 pound down the drain

Kaitlyn got sick last Friday, ended up being very sick come Saturday and Sunday, and as of Tuesday, we almost had a trip to the ER when Kaitlyn had 1.5 hour coughing spell. i was so worried, she just couldn't stop coughing.

Thankfully Brian was home and listened to her lungs and felt she was moving air and I called the 24 hour nurse line, when I finally go the nurse on the phone her spell had subsided (I had tried everything with no luck, abuteral breathing treatment, steam in the bathroom, water, muccinex). I think eventually it was her licking a cough drop and the muccinex that worked. Oh her poor little body racked with the coughing spells. It's just heart breaking.

Doctor visit the next day felt that thankfully it wasn't in her lungs (or ears) and no antibiotics this time around (in the scheme of things, compared to many of my micro friends, I'm truly lucky in this regard. Kaitlyn's never been re-hospitalized for an illness, a real rarity with her lungs being so immature when she was born and having spent 6 weeks on a ventilator)

But, then again, will she ever be able to withstand getting sick without round the clock breathing treatments? My not sleeping, listening to every cough, every breath, making sure she's ok and worrying that she's going end up in the hospital this time? Do all kids colds turn into horrible coughing fits? She immediately stops eating of course, and we lost a pound in about 4 days.

I had been so happy that she as finally over 27 pounds, she had even gotten up to 27.6 pounds, the last weight check was 26.4.

Sigh.

That pound took almost 1 year to gain. 1 year. Down the drain.

Sigh..

Of course after she lost that weight and she started to improve from her bug I started "pushing" the food on her again.

the more I pushed, the more she refused.

Sigh...

At the same time, we've been having battles over pooping. Kaitlyn just hasn't gotten the whole poop in the potty thing. And the more we ask her to sit on the potty (when it's CLEAR she needs to poop, crossed feet, she bends down, and we smell tell-tale-signs, well after about 5 or 6 times of having her sit, her not wanting too, asking me "what's in my underwear, mommy?" gets up again, then eventually she goes in her underwear. Typically about 1 minute after she was last on the potty. SOOOO frustrating.

So on both accounts, (pooping and eating)we are on a "New Plan"

Our New Plan is giving Kaitlyn total control of her eating and potty.

We are back in pull-ups. I've told her: when you are able to poop in the potty you can start wearing your big girl undies again. When you need to go to the potty, you need to tell mommy and then I'll help you. She gets close to asking, I say to her, is there something you need to ask me? "use potty Mommy" (this is while she's giving me the very clear physical signs, crossing the legs, etc), but we've had no poop in 2 days, I think she's very stressed out over the whole thing.

sigh.

Eating. Well, usually she eats a bit on her own. a bit. We then spoon feed her as much as we can get in. And try to get her to drink milk. As I said, the more I've pushed the more the battles ensured. I tried just one ounce of milk the other day (with carnation instant breakfast in it) and she refused it. I told her she just had to finish that milk, she said "mommy feed you" (she still mixes up her pronouns) I know she has the ability to drink her own milk, feed herself, this was becoming a clear battle of wills.

it was sooo frustrating, I was home alone, Quinn was his typical screaming in the background, I lost it. I was so mad at myself for getting into the "battle of wills" with Kaitlyn. She's 3.5. How can she practically reduce me to tears? I feel so horrible as a mother, I can't get my child to eat? At times like this I wish in a way I still her her gtube. Then at least I could feel a bit better about getting nutrition in her, but then again, if I had it still, I actually don't think I'd use it, as how will she ever get the understanding of how it feels to be hungry?

So the "New Plan" is to let her completely (100%) determine how much she eats.

Well so far, this new plan is horrible (on me at least) and she has hardly eating anything at all. I 2nd guess myself all the time.

sigh.

I can't tell you how hard it is to have her sit down and then say she's done without touching a bite. Other times, she's asked me to feed her, I've said no you are a big girl now and you get to feed yourself. I'm really hoping that she'll start feeling hungry and actually eat more than a piece of toast and a few sips of milk.

Please give me the strength to trust that her little body will tell her that she needs the nutrition.

I was so happy that she had finally gained that pound. I could tell she weighed more. Now every rib is sticking out, her little legs are so tiny.

She's 3.5 years old and weighs 26.5 pounds. And for each of the last 2 days she drank about 4 ounces of milk, some juice ate a piece of toast (with as much butter on it that I cut put on it) and maybe some crackers. Not a lot of calories.

Sigh.

Oh... the life of feeding a micro preemie. What they never tell you in the NICU. If you are reading my blog and have a child who eats, be thankful, I know it's a small thing, you never really think about the fact that your child just sits down and eats. But I'm telling you, appreciate the small things, as if you have a child who doesn't eat, know that we jealously watch the simple things and wish it could be that easy for us.

Edited to add:

Funny enough, I just read my good friend Billie's blog and she just blogged on the exact same subject: here's her post called: Feeding MicroPremies