Sad days of July

Today is July 29th.

All I’ve been able to think about the last few days is what I was doing 1 year ago.

One year ago on July 26th, my day started fine, I was a bit nervous about going in for an amnio. We had been through so much already with infertility for so many years. I was finally feeling better after the miscarriage of my triplet. I had been so sick the beginning of my pregnancy, and now I felt fabulous.

Brian and I were still undecided if we wanted to know the sex of our twins. At the pre amnio ultrasound, they asked us if we wanted to find out, we looked at each other and said ok, why not….We joyously found out we were having 2 little girls. Two perfect little girls. The ultrasound showed that everything looked perfect, at least no visible signs of birth defects. I think we both “knew” that we would have at least one daughter, and figured it might be likely that both would be girls. Brian said because he was such a “naughty” boy that he would be “blessed” with having daughters – so we always knew. We were ecstatic!! Two daughters. My heart was just swimming!!!!

Looking back, trying to remember those feelings, the joy I felt in my heart knowing I was having two healthy girls. All the anticipation of twins. I feel such incredible sorrow now, for those lost joyous memories. I want them back. I want both my girls. I want my healthy full term twin daughters back. I want the choice again to not do an amnio. My life changed forever that day. Why couldn’t I have left well enough alone. Let nature take its course?

Obviously, with my “advanced maternal” age at the time of 38 (almost 39), we were worried about possible Downs Syndrom and other birth defects; it was “standard practice” to do an amnio when you are over 35. After the ultra sound tech left and we were there getting ready for the doc to come in to do the amnio, Brian asked me, everything looks good, do you think we really need to do the amnio? I think I said something like, “Well, it’s my age, they really recommend it”….Famous last words, right? I’ve regretted that “moment” so many times over this last year. If I could take it back. How was I to know?

Well, before the amnio started, the doc said he was going to insert one needle into my abdomen, and go into both sacs. I said to him, “Well, why would you want to put two holes in one of the sacs, doesn’t that seem more risky?” He answered “Well, that’s just eh way I do amnios.” Again famous last words.

(If you couldn’t tell, I DEFINITELY have a problem with the way he did the amnio, as any other doctor I've ever spoken to always sounds "surpirsed" when they hear he did it with one needle stick versus two. Also, by the fact that he didn't use dye to differintiate the two sacs).

He inserted the needle to extract amniotic fluid through Corinne’s sac, through the membrane that separated the two of them and then into Kaitlyn’s sac. He seemed to have to really “push” to break through into Kaitlyn's sac. I was so scared, I could hardly breathe. On the ultrasound we could see our girls not liking this intrusion into their worlds. He withdrew fluid from Kaitlyn’s sac. Then pulled back the needle again into Corinne’s sac and withdrew fluid from her sac. I was so nervous.

Fast forward to getting home. I spent the entire day in bed, (as recommended). I have a picture of myself lying on the bed with our female dog. Brian took a picture of the 4 McCarthy Girls. We were going to give this picture to our family to surprise them with the news that we were having 2 girls! We were so excited. It FINALLY felt like this pregnancy was going to materialize – that we were going to be parents. We were having daughters!!! Here's a link to that picture (I'm having problems uploading pictures to blogger): The 4 McCarthy Girls At the bottom of this picture you can see the date and time it was taken 1:20 on 7/26/2005.

At about 10pm on the 26th, I felt a trickle. The Doc had said there might be some minor leaking from the procedure. It didn’t think much of it. Later that night I felt more, but again didn’t think much of it.

On the morning of the 27th, my water broke. I started leaking a lot more amniotic fluid. I hear of women wondering whether it was “urine” or amniotic fluid – I NEVER had a doubt in my mind. This was definitely amniotic fluid leaking out of me. We called the doc’s office. They said get in bed – (I was given the choice of coming in), but what would that have shown? That I was leaking amniotic fluid (I knew I was), and all they could have done was to tell me to stay down in bed. The doc who did the amnio NEVER called. Never got on the phone with me….

What is happening? Oh My God. This can’t be happening. I felt in shock. I still believed that it was going to seal. In 2 days time we are supposed to be moving to our new house that we just purchased.

Fast forward to a year ago today, 7/29. We move. Well, I don’t really move. Brian packs everything except for the bed I’m lying on. He takes our guest bed to our new house. My mom flew up to help. I got out of bed, laid in the back seat of her car, drove to the new house, went straight to the guest bed and got back into bed. No looking at my new house. Nothing. Straight into the bed. For 10 weeks!! 3 months!! I finally owned my first house and never even saw it for 10 weeks.

This was hell. Horrible, horrible hell. I can’t believe this is happening…..

This morning I sat out on our deck in our back-yard thinking about all this. Remembering one year ago. I haven't spoken about it for a while now, as it’s very, very painful for me to remember. I felt the need this morning to remember and to let all of you know who may not have been with me from the beginning.

Kaitlyn just vomited terribly this morning. Yes, I’ve indicated the vomit is “better”, but when I say better, she’s not vomiting 20x a day any more, now it’s just maybe 8-15 times. She’s still vomiting. I miss my daughter Corinne more than I can say. It’s so hard for me to put up a wall when I see twins. I get so sad. That should be me. That should be our family. Brian often tells me when he thinks of Corinne too and how much he misses her. My mother Corinne (who our daughter is named after), too remembers her and wonders what she would be like. I like it when people remember her. It means a lot to me, as I gave birth to my two daughters. Corinne lived and died in my arms.

Here is a link to a slideshow of their birth on 10/4/05:
Kaitlyn and Corinne's Birth Slideshow

Thank you everyone for your comments and helping us remember Corinne. She’ll never be forgotten. Corinne’s ashes are in Kaitlyn’s room, along with a snip of her hair, both of their ID bracelets from the hospital, the blanket that Corinne was wrapped in when she died, a picture of the two of them together, with Kaitlyn holding Corinne’s hand, hand-knit booties from Jodi, a PROM mom friend that were made to match their feet sizes when they were born, I have angels sitting on the box that hold all of these items. And this box is next to the box of ash's of our poor pup, Kailan, who became very sick throughout this whole ordeal and we had to put to sleep in February.

My angel daughter Corinne is looking down on her sister. Corinne who stayed in my belly for 10 long weeks of leaking her precious fluid out of me day after day. She stayed long enough for Kaitlyn to be here with us today. Thank you my beautiful daughter Corinne for being strong enough to watch over your sister and keep her safe forever. As I write this tears roll down my checks. Why is this still so hard and painful?

1 year ago, this all started. July 26th is a day that will forever be etched into my memory. I want to take that day back. I want to feel my babies in my belly again. I want to have a normal pregnancy, I want to have a normal deliery, I want to have normal breast feeding, I want to hear my babies cry when they are born (I'm still waiting to hear Kaitlyn's cry), I want to hold them in my arms and not have one die in my arms in a few hours and wait another month to hold the other, to bring them home a few days after they were born instead of 4 long months.

Why did I have that amnio? Why, why, why why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why????????????

If you would like to "relive" my story from a year ago, read the first post of my blog: The first post