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Wednesday, March 05, 2008

The loss of a twin

Many of you may or may not know that I started a forum for mothers of Micro Preemies. When I first started it it was so that I could communicate easier with some of the friends I had made out there in blogsphere that chronicled the lives of their miracle babies. Hard to believe but I now have over 225 members! Members are from all over the world. I hear all the time that this group brings a lot of support to the members and it makes me feel proud that I can help give back. There are quite a few of us on the group who have lost a twin/triplet. A new mom just recently asked the group for support in dealing with the tragic loss of her twin.

I sent this reply to her, but I became so emotional as I wrote it, I felt I should post it here, for others who have lost a twin, or know someone who has lost an angel baby.

I too am so sorry for your loss of your precious angel, and know that she is playing with my daughter Corinne, as well as all of the the other missed and cherished angel babies from this forum. My water broke (PROM) from an amnio at 17 weeks, and my Prom Princess whose water broke grew perfectly fine in utereo but after birth her lungs just weren't helped by the steroid shots and she passed away in my arms 4 hours after her birth. Corinne is my mothers name and I ALWAYS knew I'd have a daughter and would name her Corinne. We hadn't chosen which daughter to give the name Corinne Margaret too. (Margaret is Brian's mothers name) My mother didn't know this. We had to tell her that we had named our first born daughter after her but that she had passed away, as my mother wasn't there for the emergency delivery. My husband felt strongly that our PROM princess needed our strong mothers spirits and we decided at birth to name our first born daughter Corinne Margaret with all the the hope that she will beat the odds.

As a side note, I'm pregnant again, and in a way feel that my daughter can now finally have the sibling she was supposed to have. I've wanted another child (daughter) since the moment we lost Corinne so Kaitlyn could have the sister that she lost. but am a loss as far as names go. Corinne is supposed to be here with us, especially in honor of my mother. I have no idea what we'll do for names. Sometimes, (if it's another daughter) I think of a variation of Corinne's name. Our twin Kaitlyn's name was chosen because it sounded nice together with Corinne. Corinne and Kaitlyn. (We don't know the sex yet, 3 more weeks from today we'll find out)

I had to wait to figure out what I wanted to write you before replying. Here are some of my thoughts:

1. Find others in your community who have lost a twin. It was helpful for me to meet a mom who lost a daughter/twin not long after we came home from the NICU, we went on a walk together, with our surviving twins. I also bonded very closely with a mom who lost a twin and was in the NICU the same time that we were. We became and are still very close. We called our surviving twins "each other's twins" even though he is Chinese and my daughter is as blonde as you can be. We are still very close today and I have a great caring for her son.

2. Join http://www.climb-support.org/ CLIMB stands for Center for Loss of Infant Multiple Birth. They send out a quarterly newsletter that has a lot of stories from parents. on their website they have great suggestions for announcing your children's' birth and ways to memorialize your angel.

3. I have a terrible, terrible time seeing newborn twins in strollers. My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach every time. Still, and my daughters were born 2 years and 5 months ago. I have a terrible time hearing of moms pregnant with twins. I just heard JLo delivered her twins and I feel horrible that I couldn't deliver 2 healthy twins. Older twins don't get that emotion out of me, just infants. I'm actually friends with a LOT of local twin mothers, I still belong to my local twins club. Crazy I know. Sometimes I think I'm torturing myself. But the club was soooo helpful when my water broke, as I imagine any of them could think that it had happened to them. They NEVER EVER told me, "well, be thankful you have one." Twin moms would never, ever say that. And they were so strong in telling me that I'll always be a mother of twins. That really meant a lot to me and I feel comfortable with them. I have made a lot of wonderful supportive friends in the twins group.

4. We had Corinne cremated. Our plan was to spread her ashes on a mountain top with Kaitlyn once Kaitlyn came home from the NICU. I have her small little bit of ashes in an angel keepsake box in her memory box in Kaitlyn's room. It comforts me knowing that they are in the same room together. I remember how I wanted to delay the funeral home picking up Corinne's body from the hospital as I didn't want my daughters to be away from each other. I remember that day so clearly. (wow, I'm really crying as I type this). In her memory box I have her footprints/handprints, some of her hair, her NICU bands, her NICU hat, and a pair of booties that were hand-knit for me (by a fellow prom mom) the specifications of her foot size.

5. As others have said, the pain does get better with time. I know I heard that all the time, and I didn't want to hear it as it didn't help me now at the time. I think all the time of the loss that Kaitlyn will feel over the loss of her sister. I 100% plan on telling her about her sister, in a healthy way. I know for a FACT that Kaitlyn has the most special guardian angel looking out for her. Corinne defied all odds and lasted 10 weeks without amniotic fluid. I now strongly believe that she did this to save her sister. My Mother-in-law made me 2 beautiful plates that we have hanging in Kaitlyn's room. One is of a little girl sitting in flowers (with K's name and birth date on it), the other is of a little girl laying asleep in flowers, with Corinne's' name and birth date on it. I recently have been pointing the plates out to Kaitlyn and say, "this is you" and "this is your sister" She repeats the word sister to me. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I can tell others that I lost a daughter calmly, other times I tear up. I still never know what to answer when asked how many children I have. In the beginning I always said I had 2, and when now asked if this pregnancy is my first child, I say it's my 3rd. But I don't always any more. Sometimes I keep it to myself, as I get tired of the looks of pity and the not-knowing-what-to-say-to-me-look

6. I remember so clearly when I was first able to go back into the NICU 4 days after their birth. I was in the NICU to hold Corinne when she passed away (I was rolled in on the recovery gurney), but then I became very, very ill with a septic blood infection and couldn't leave my hospital room. The first moment I went back in all I could do was look at the empty bay where Corinne was supposed to be. I completely broke down. It was empty. This was so horrible. This wasn't supposed to happen. When I finally looked at Kaitlyn I of course as all of us where, taken aback by how small and sick she looked. I'll be honest, It took me weeks, maybe months of being in the NICU of not being terrified of loosing Kaitlyn also. I felt I wasn't in a very good mental health state to be as supportive to Kaitlyn as I would have liked to be. I always made comments to the nurses about my missing my daughter and they sort of brushed off those comments. I wanted to be validated that I was a mom to twins. It was a very very hard time.

I think I'm going to post this entry to my blog. I think others who read my blog who have lost a twin could benefit from it too. My husband just walked in (he just got off work from the fire department) to find a crying hysterical pregnant wife typing this.

In Memory of all the angel babies playing together and watching over their siblings:

^Corinne Margaret^ loved and missed by her twin sister Kaitlyn Elizabeth (26w6d)

and sadly many, many more that I personally know (via blog or in person):
^Olivia Skye Eble-Schrader^ twin to Hallie Rose Eble-Schrader, 23 weeks, 4 days
^Cameron Reid^ 20 wks
^Noah Allen Silliboy^ Twin to Nathan Laine Silliboy born at 24 weeks and 3 days
^Madilyn Angelia^ (middle name means angel) (21w6d) twin to Caitlin Gean (24weeks)
^Kaleigh Grace^ twin to Braden John born at 24 weeks
^Bailey Renae Grace^ twin to Brooke Lynn Victoria born at 24 weeks
^Georgia^ and ^Livia^ triplets to Nina born at 24 weeks
^Logan William^ (25.1 weeks) twin to Cooper Scott (25.6 wks)
^William Bruin^ (23 weeks) twin to Kathryn born at at 24 weeks
^Lily Grace^, twin to Sophia Bess, born 23 weeks and 6 days.
^Julianne Beth^ (18 weeks) twin to Beth Marie born at 26 weeks
^Braedon Jacob^, twin to Conner Evan born at 23weeks 2days
^Olivia Grace^ (22 weeks 6days) twin to Emma Elizabeth born at 24 weeks
^Rebecca^ (23 weeks) twin to Sarah born at 26 weeks

23 comments:

Jodi said...

I too lost my beautiful son, Logan William. . .twin brother to my precious daughter Olivia Paige. They were born at 23 weeks on August 27, 2007. Logan fought hard for 1 month and 1 day. Logan William was the name that we had picked out for our son since my husband and I were dating. The reason we chose Olivia was because it sounded so good with Logan. Losing Logan was one of the hardest things I think I will ever experience in my life. I will never understand why he was taken from me, but I do know that God left us Olivia. . .our miracle daugther. She is our peace and I know she is doing so well because not only is Logan looking down on her from heaven, but I believe he gave her his strength as well. You can read more about their story at www.oliviaandlogan.blogspot.com

May God bless all the parents who have endured the loss of a child. My prayers are with you all.

Sarah Furlough said...

Liz: sending big hugs your way, from one angel Mommy to another. I too feel comforted by the fact that Logan's ashes are near his brother. I can't bear the thought of scattering them now, they give me so much peace that they are with us. Of course, Cooper may one day want to scatter them.

Yours was one of the first blogs I found about micropreemies, and at the time we still had Logan. I never thought we'd lose him. When we did, your story gave me comfort, and I loved how open and honest you were about your feelings and your grief.

We talk about Logan all of the time, we want Cooper to know his brother fought hard to be with us. I wonder how losing his twin will affect him, but I hope that he'll one day understand how he was blessed with his very own guardian angel.

I am now 34 weeks pregnant, and I like to think Logan had a hand in choosing his new brother/sister especially for Cooper.

I wish you a long and healthy pregnancy!

23wktwinsmommy said...

Liz, I just want you to know that your words must bring so much comfort to others, and your constant love for Corrine is so apparent and so moving.
We came extremely close to losing Edwin, our twin B, and I remember all too clearly the nights we thought we were saying goodbye.
It breaks my heart to know you and my other virtual friends have lost a twin. It brings me to tears every time I read your stories.
But I know these angels are looking down on you as amazing parents, and keeping a watchful eye on their forever twin. Because they will always be twins, and you'll always be a Mommy of twins.

miraclebaby said...

I'm so so sorry. I didn't lose a twin, and my first baby (kaily, which means "to rejoice") was too tiny to try to save, as I was only 4 months, but I know what that sinking feeling is like. For my whole pregnancy with my living daughter, I didn't even believe that Dorothy was going to be ok until I had her in my arms.... and even though I have her now, my heart still sinks at several moments: pregnancy announcements, newborn sightings, pregnant bellies, etc. And now we're trying to have number two and I'm just lost. We've had two early miscarriages and I shake my fist at the sky. I guess I don't really know who to talk to about any of the feelings. I know what you mean about wanting to feel validated. I want to say I have 4 children, and am forced to say I only have one. And when I talk about it, even on my blog, I get the "at least you have Dorothy" speech. I should just focus on her, blah blah. And I know how lucky I am that she's here, I do focus on her and love her, but I guess I want to know that it's ok to feel the hole that is left by my missing babies... so thanks for writing that entry.

Catherine Chandler said...

Thank you for posting this...what a great thread and blog to have!

My partner is a twin and his twin 'died' twice when they were born (he was revived both times), and my partner had to have a blood transfusion right when he was born.

On another subject...
I'm wondering if you, or anyone else here, knows of any nannies who have experience with kids with feeding tubes, up here in Portland, OR. The family I used to work for (and sometimes still do...can't stay away) is looking for a new nanny and are having a hard time. Any resources would be extremely helpful. Please email me at chandler.catherine@gmail.com

Thank you!!!

Maryam's Mommy said...

Beautiful.

Shannon and Carey said...

Hi Liz,
Your post will help alot of women out there. I must say that I too could have easily been writing this. I remember the doc saying they were concerned for Abbey. I was so scared. I was almost sick. I sit here and cry for you.
Hugs to you.
-Shannon in Austin

Anonymous said...

It has taken me three days respond to this post - I read it the first time right before bed in the middle of the night, and I knew I didn't have time to do it justice. I have so much to say, I probably should just email you to save your readers from having to wade through this, but for some reason, it is too important for me to have my daughter's name on your blog. (Okay, the tears just started)

I started reading these preemie blogs with Dakota's, whose mom is a friend of a friend of mine who lost one of her 24-week twins. I then linked one day to Billie's, and a full-blown addiction was born. I now read probably a dozen of your blogs, along with a dozen or so of mothers who have lost babies but not had preemies.

My surviving twin, Sarah Catherine (26 weeks and 2 days) just turned four, and we are through most of the worst of her issues. Having said that, it never, ever completely goes away. Sarah has a paralyzed vocal cord (I will post more on that later, it really does get better, Liz), and we are back in speech therapy, after a year break. Recently, we discovered several sensory integration and motor planning issues that were serious enough to land us back in occupational therapy. When they told me she would need this intensive therapy again, I was back in the NICU all over again. When she got sick last week right before we were supposed to leave town by plane for a family wedding, we stayed home. No fever even, but with our history of illness since our NICU days and our pediatrician even hesitating about us going, I couldn't do it. (Did I mention she is FOUR?!) But as I told a friend later - you can take the baby out of the NICU, but you cannot take the NICU out of the mother.

And while my preemie was born too late by a few days and weighed a few too many ounces to qualify as a "micropreemie", our 3 and 1/2 month NICU stay was much worse than most 26-weekers. And we ended up with a surgery for reflux and a g-tube when Sarah was 9 months old and two years of vomiting. I, too, stayed in a house all day every day, unable to take her out or have most of my friends over until she was 18 months old, crying every day she wouldn't eat before the feeding tube and every day after the tube, too. And then after she was able to go out of the house, she got sick, every single month for a year. And I worried every single time that she might die like my other baby did, and that I would lose both my girls. (tears really pouring now.) But the reality of it was that I didn't even begin to process the loss of my other daughter, Rebecca Alyce, until Sarah was over two years old, and I felt reasonably sure she was going to be "okay".

That was when I started allowing myself to think about and grieve for my other baby girl, the twin sister I had so desperately wanted. Rebecca Alyce died at 23 weeks. She, too, is named after my mother's first name and my husband's mother's first name -in the same order that Corrine is. I have not known of anyone else naming their baby this way before you. I knew when I saw the title of your post it would be important to me, but when I got to the part of how Corrine got her name, I felt an even greater kinship. (still crying hard).

For a variety of reasons, I was unable to really make any headway with processing my grief over losing Rebecca until recently. I have finnally started journalling and have figured out ways that we can display momentos of Rebecca in our home. I even have an artist painting a picture of Sarah and Rebecca (as infants) together. Not really reality, because we have no pictures of them together, but it is the way that they look together in my mind. I just don't know when I will get over losing her. I can't stand to see twin girls of any age or hearing about women pregnant with twins. I do better with boys or even one of each, but I don't really like to hear about any. And if someone tells me they have twins, I cannot help myself but to tell them that Sarah is a twin or that I lost Sarah's twin. I don't bring it up myself as much as I used to, so I guess that is progress, but if I wasn't so self-conscious I would probably tell everyone I meet. And I started telling Sarah that she had a sister in heaven as early as she could talk. She has slowly over time learned what a sister even is, let alone what dying and heaven are. But because we were so matter of fact with her, she is very comfortable with it now as she is starting to understand more. One of the reasons we buried Rebecca is that I wanted Sarah to have a place to go someday if she wants to. I don't know if it will be a big deal to her that she is a twin - but I find myself doing things that will help preserve that identity for her if she wants it. I know I still want it for me. I appreciate so much your twin mom friends assuring you that you will always be a twin mom.

I assume that you and your husband just want a healthy TERM baby this time, but I can't help wanting a girl for you and for Kaitlyn. I can't have any more children (my husband is older and doesn't want any more), which is a whole other issue for grief. Every single day I long for a sibling (but particularly a sister) for Sarah. I will secretly hope for a sister for Kaitlyn.

So to add to your list:

Rebecca Alyce (23 weeks), twin sister of Sarah Catherine (26 weeks, 2 days).

And while I beg your (and your readers') forgiveness for the length of this "comment", I cannot express adequately how much I appreciate the opportunity. I also cannot tell all of you preemie moms how much I enjoy reading your blogs - the blogs of Dakota, Emory, Lincoln, Holland and Eden, Hallie, Gina - and how much I wish I had had them when Sarah was a baby. I struggled through the feeding issues almost alone - there was no one, and I mean no one, who even had a clue what it was like.

Thank you for your patience and for your understanding. And Liz, thank you for this post from the bottom of my heart.

Much love,
Sarah and Rebecca's mommy

liz.mccarthy said...

Dear Sarah and Rebeccas mommy! I didn't know how else to get ahold of you, but thank you for your very sweet and touching comment (it made me cry!) I'll of course add your twins to my list of angel babies...but most importantly, many of the blogs that you read all belong to a support group that I run (which prompted this post in the first place) You should join! (Billie is one of our members and my good freind that I got to meet in person along with her amazing twins).

To join, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PreemieBlogMoms/

And this short reply doesn't do your post justice either...feel free to email me off list if you want! Liz

Anonymous said...

dear liz-- you post was so touching. you provide so much support to all us preemie moms out here through your sharing of experiences. i am so glad that you're pregnant with baby #3 and i hope it is a healthy term baby. i saw your question about names and have a a few suggestions if it is a girl--maybe karenna ( honoring corrine and kaitlyn). many good wishes and i hope i can finally make one of the preemie group meetings!
nandini
mom to paul and sonia, 30 weeks

Kendra's mom said...

Between reading your post and the comments I am sitting here all teary-eyed. At work!
My daughter died at 11 months and she wasn't a twin but it is amazing how certain things you say just resonate with me. Especially about not wanting them to pick up her body. I wrote a post recently on why I decided to keep the ashes at the memorial park. It is interesting what brings comfort to different people. My friend recently lost both her twins at 26 weeks and they are also out at the memorial park.
Thank you for a brilliant blog, I love the way you write.

Anonymous said...

Liz,

Thank you so much for listing my precious Rebecca on your blog post - when I wrote my comment, I truly only intended to get her name on your blog by putting her name in the comments section. I appreciate your thoughtfulness so very much.

I did send you (not surprisingly) a very long email this past weekend, but I have not heard whether or not you received it. As you work outside the home and your daughter's care involves incredible time, I did not expect an answer right away, but I just wanted to be sure I sent it to the right place. And the only thing I really needed a response on was your thoughts on whether I really should be able to join your forum.

Thank you again for your kindness in including both my girls,
Shellie (Sarah and Rebecca's mommy)

Proud preemie mom said...

What a beautiful post for beautiful babies & their beautiful,strong mommies.

Liz & Luke

Laura Gilmour said...

Kaitlyn has come so far in the last year. I know she still has many hurdles to overcome but I'm sure she will do them with determination and grace. I strongly believe that both of Kaityln's angel siblings (Corinne and the triplet you lost at ten weeks) are watching over her. I knew a family who lost their first child (12 weeks gestation) and they were extra protective of the four children they had after. They said that having additional children in no way replaced their first baby. They had no sure way of telling but had a strong feeling the child was a boy. The last time I talked to them they said they planned to tell their children when they were older about their sibling in heaven. I know another family who lost their first daughter at 3 months old (pnemonia). Like Kaitly, their second child keeps of photo of her sister in her room and knows that her sister is watching over her.

KEllY said...

I haven't ever posted a comment on a blog before, but I feel the need to as you are the only Mom's I have come across who can understand the unique experience of losing a twin. After getting a bacterial infection that put me on bed rest, I went into labor and delivered Mary and Miko on 8/4/08 at 25w and 3d. Our daughter Mary lived only 11 days and our son Miko is still in the NICU, scheduled to come home in the next few weeks. I am so happy to have Miko, he is what gets me out of bed in the morning. But I miss Mary, and I can't seem to get away from this deep sadness. I too named her after my Mom, as I had planned to do my whole life. I see twins everywhere, including several sets in the NICU who have all survived- even ones younger than mine. It is SO painful I can't bear it. I overheard that a new set of 27 wkers are being admitted tonight and I'm dreading seeing yet another set. The loss feels so overwhelming, I still can't believe it has happened. I am still crying every day for my daughter. I don't know what to do to feel better. I also have anxiety about Miko's health. He is coming home on oxygen and although I cannot wait for the day he is really in our care I'm nervous about monitoring him. But every day I do realize I am just so lucky to have him. I believe Mary is looking out for her brother and for our whole family. Thanks for the support-

Kelly

Anonymous said...

I am new to this forum but I am also the mother of twins (which I will always consider myself). My idetical twin boys were born 6/17/09. Dalton passed 3 days later. COdy is still fighting in the NICU. He has been there 125 days already and we still have no word of discharge yet. It has been a very long emotional journey...I had a very hard time with people saying...."YOu must be so blessed to have your other son(we also have a 2 year old). I was so angry at things people would say which never seemed to validate the fact that we lost our precious little boy.. and still had one critical in the NICU. I have since been more forgiving but really want to find a support group in my area for parents that have lost a twin. It is very hard to be around other parents that have not lost a child....this changes your life

Charlotte Nicole & Evelyn Noel said...

I found your blog through googling "preemie blog". I gave birth to my twin girls at 32wks on valentine's day of this year, and have been looking for support- your blog has been perfect. Our little one, Evelyn Noel passed 10 days after birth due to serious heart and kidney complications and since then, one main thing I've been searching for since Evelyn's passing is people who have dealt with losing one twin, and how to raise the surviving twin. Thank you so much for sharing your story and advice with the world, it means more than you can imagine.

-Tracy

Ryan said...

I landed on your twin loss account after doing my own Google search on "preemie twins."

My wife and I lost our twin boy on New Years Day this year after he and his twin sister were born at 23 weeks. His sister is still defying the odds six weeks later, but we miss our boy terribly.

Accounts like yours remind me we're not alone in our grief, so thank you for this.

Laurie Bishop said...

I am the mom to 23 week micropreemie twins Savannah Jade & Haley Mae born 12/17/08 each weighing 410 grams (14 ounces). Haley had a grade 5 brain bleed & at 8 days of life she developed NEC. On christmas day 2008 my husband & I made the hardest decision we will ever make when we decided the best thing for Haley was to let her go. The doctors removed all of her tubes and IV's so that for the first, and only, time we were able to hold her. We were taken to a private room where we were allowed to hold her as she passed. The doctors stayed with us until she was gone and then allowed us to be alone with her for as long as we wished. I don't remember how long we sat there holding her, but I know it will never be enough! As we were making funeral arrangements for her we also asked about a side by side plot so her sister could be next to her because we truly believed we were going to lose her as well. Thankfully, Savannah proved us wrong, she is such a fighter!!! She spent 4 months in the NICU and came home on Easter sunday with nothing but a holter monitor. She is going to be turning 3 in just a couple weeks and has never had any issues. Other then being kinda tiny, she only weighs 24 lbs, you can't look at her and tell that she was a preemie. She is developing right on schedule and in some cases even advanced. We know how lucky we are to still have her, but it doesn't make losing Haley any easier. I have found it hard to decide wether to say I have 2 (I have a son who is 13) or 3 kids because then I have to explain what happened. But if I only say 2 I feel as if I am denying her existence and I have more trouble doing that. I tell Savannah all the time about her sister because I don't want it to be some big shocking secret. When she is a little older & can understand I will show her all of the pics and videos of her sister and take her to her grave.

I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone, but it does help to know that there are other people out there who know exactly how I feel. Thank you to all the moms who were strong enough to share their story.

F-A-N-G-U-P-O said...

I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog! My wound is fresh and I'm having a hard time coping. Because of my faith, I know I'll be with my daughter again, but it's so hard. I found out in April 2011 I was pregnant, and not to long after found out I was having twins. My husband and I were so so excited and started planning everything in two's. In the middle of the night when I was about 13 weeks pregnant, I felt a huge gush come out of me and it was a large amount of brownish blood...I'd say a gallon's worth. It was a LOT! In a panic, I went to the ER, where I was reassured with two little moving babies on the ultrasound. They told me I had a subchrionic hematoma, but that it wasn't affecting my babies at all, that everything should be fine after I stopped bleeding. Well, that was the problem....I NEVER stopped bleeding after that! I bled every single day from that night at 13 weeks until I gave birth. I had weekly check-ups with ultrasounds and everytime in between when anything would change, I'd rush to the ER. I saw my two little peanuts growing and moving around from week 13 on. I'd finally accepted that everything was ok, and that it was just normal for me to bleed throughout the whole pregnancy....and that my babies were ok. My ultrasound to find out the sex of my babies was when I was 18 weeks pregnant. That's when I got the devistating news. Baby B's heartbeat had stopped. That moment was surreal and it took me A LONG TIME to accept it. I cried and cried and cried and because even more paranoid for my other twin. The bleeding continued after I found out my precious baby B had passed (they were both girls by the way) and the plan was for me to just carry her until I had my other daughter. Everyday I was a worrying mess. On my way home from a Dr's appointment when I was 23 weeks pregnant, a HUGE gush of blood with organ like clots came out of me in the car. I was rushed to the hospital and hooked up to so many monitors...I started to dialate and got to a 2. They gave me steriods, and magnesium and whatever other medicine I needed as they told me that if I had my other baby that day, she probably wouldn't make it. Well, I was admitted to the hospital, where I was able to keep her in for 2 more weeks and my daughter Katea was born at 25 weeks...1lb.12oz. and her twin Cindy, who had already passed was born 3oz. That day was hard. I feel like I had to relive her death over again. I held her tiny lifeless body in my hand and cried...my husband saw her, my kids saw her, my parents saw her. Her little body was tiny, but fully developed. She was perfect...just not alive. The hospital suggested I let them 'dispose' of her body, but I didn't like that word 'dispose'...it sounded so inhumaine to me. So I cried and cried and finally got them to let me take her body and give her a proper burial. I just really wanted a place where I can take her twin sister to visit when she gets older...just a place to lay her body to rest. I've gotten quite a few negative and rude comments about why I buried her if I already knew she was dead before she was born....but I have no regrets at all about that. She IS my baby girl, and someday I'll see her again...I really believe that!

I'm glad to have come across your blog, it's so nice being able to talk to other people who have been where I'm at and can give insight and comfort when needed.

I do have my own family blog, but most recently it's turned into the progress of my micropreemie baby Katea's progress, and her twin's passing. My baby Katea is 4 months and 1 week old and still in the NICU. I'm hoping I'll get to bring her home soon! Here's my blog address if you want to follow me... http://fangupofamily.blogspot.com ...I'll be following you! :-)

Anonymous said...

I dont know how to start this at least. I had twins and one was killed by 18 wheler truck. I don't know what to do with my life.

starandskkymommy@yahoo.com said...

I know exactly how you feel. I am from a large family and every time someone has this beautiful healthy baby I try to be glad for them and I am but there's a part of me that knows my little girl deserved that too.
I gave birth to my girls at 24 weeks gestation on July 6, 2013 and my youngest twin Skky was thankfully discharged December 10th with only a few complications. My other daughter wasn't so lucky. She fought so hard from the time she was born, through 6 surgeries and so many near death situations she fought. I have never seen such a fierce will to live in my life. She had more problems that anyone I had ever heard about and it would take much too long to explain them. She passed away Jan. 9, 2014 in my arms where she belonged. I didn't give up on her until the moment they pronounced her dead. I love her so much even now and even though I would never wish the pain that I and Star went through on any other parent. I can't help but think of how easy some parents have it. And when they complain about the most mediocre things like not getting enough sleep and they're so stressed out I never say it but I think of how much I want to scream for them to shut up, that they'll never know the sleepless nights at the hospital waiting to see if your baby will make it until morning or the stress of learning to take care of a g-tube and trach, knowing if you mess up she could die. They can't fathom the pain I feel all the time and they tell me that at least I still have the other one.

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