Saturday, June 20, 2009

Happy and Sad

Kaitlyn LOVES to talk to herself. She does it all the time.

She often (when not finding excuses to leave her bedroom) talks to herself in her room for almost 2 hours before she falls asleep.

Tonight, she was talking so much I stood outside her door and listened, which brought such a huge feeling of joy to me. She is soooo darn cute! She was talking about wearing party hats that had a roller coaster on it, and says things like: "oh, yes, I'd love to wear a party hat." "Oh, I lost the party hat, where is it?" "oooh, I think it's in the bushes." "Yes, there is a roller coaster on my party hat!" "Yes, I'd love a cupcake, oh, it's an imaginary cup-cake, mmmmm it's good, Yes, I'd like a cupcake.".....

So darn cute. I felt so incredibly happy listening to my little miracle

Then all of a sudden, I got hit with an incredible sadness. I started tearing up there outside her door. It hit me as I listened to her for over 5 minutes talking with herself (or her imaginary friend) that she might be talking to her sister. She SHOULD be talking to her sister. Maybe that's why she talks to herself so much, she's actually talking to her angel sister who I KNOW is always looking over Kaitlyn's shoulder.

Oh, I miss Corinne. She should be here with us.

Happy Father's Day!

Brian and Kaitlyn are going camping for the next 3 days. I can't go, I'm swamped with work (a good thing obviously), but I'm sad as I really wanted to go on Kaitlyn's first camping trip, and I've been working 7 days a week for along time now and could use a break!.

But we ARE going on vacation soon to the East Coast (Chautauqua, NY, I can't wait! (and Hope I can get everything done until we leave!)

More about Quinn in a later post, the little guy LOVES to eat real food (talk about the tears this brings me, as he's never been a good milk/formula drinker), but he is super duper delayed. I'm finally quite worried about him. I've got to contact the Regional Center about getting an evaluation. sigh. it's never easy is it?

Kaitlyn today at a birthday party for her friend Eliza from her Special Ed class. The most amazing balloon guy was there, and of course, Katilyn tried to take everyone's balloons.


Anonymous said...

I know this is none of my business, but since you put this out there for the world to see, I assume you're willing to accept comments - positive and negative. So... as a regular reader, I have to finally say that I wish you'd please, please, stop classifying your children as "super-duper delayed" and focusing on the loss of Corrine. Kids develop at varying rates - some are faster than others and some are slower than others. And not every child who doesn't sit up when you want him to needs some sort of intervention. Many kids aren't good drinkers of breast milk or formula. Life with an infant can be difficult - most infants are not fun most or all of the time, they are a TON of work! But constantly complaining, worrying and researching which dreaded disorders your children might have takes away the precious time you have with them - time that is particularly precious if you're a mom with lots of outside activities and a demanding career. I know Kaitlyn has difficulties that need to be addressed, but for goodness sake - let Quinn grow for awhile without trying to classify him as a candidate for (in your words, not mine) "the short bus." Finally, I truly believe you should see a counselor for your paralyzing grief. I know you will always grieve Corrine's loss - it was and is a terrible thing. Despite that fact, you need to move forward. You need to let Kaitlyn be Kaitlyn and not attribute her perfectly normal habit of talking to herself (i.e. entertaining herself) to missing her sister. Kids talk to themselves - frequently while lying in bed waiting to fall asleep. While sad, it is true that Corrine and Kaitlyn shared a womb and that Corrine died so Kaitlyn will never know her. But the reality is that Kaitlyn didn't know her and can only be hampered by you not letting go of them as a two-some. Any grief she feels now and in the future over that loss will be because of your desire to instill grief in her psyche, not a cosmic attachment from the womb. I have always found it a bit disturbing that you take Kaitlyn to twins events. It sometimes seems like a pathetic plea for attention - "look at me, I'm the mom with one surviving twin, feel bad for me because my daughter died at birth." I think it is creepy that you would force your young child to be a singleton at twin events and absorb the idea that she will never be a whole person in your eyes - she will always be the live one-half of a pair for which you endlessly grieve. I started to read your blog because it provided some information I needed when dealing with a similar situation. But now, I look because it is like a car wreck - I can't seem to turn away. Please, please, get some help for yourself before you damage your children. And yes, fellow blog readers, I know I am a terrible person for saying these truthful things, but I am concerned for those two beautiful and perfect children - Kaitlyn and Quin. Sometimes, the truth hurts, but that pain might trigger a change for the better. Probably not, though. And to make everyone happy, I will now avert my gaze.


Anonymous said...

What an appalling post by this last commenter! Your grief is natural, normal and totally non-pathological. Corrine's loss won't go away, your love for her won't go away, and so neither will the grief. As long as the love and the loss remain, so does the grief. I don't think Kaitlyn is being harmed by knowing about her twin. Grieving openly is healthy for her and you can't and shouldn't hide it from her. It's a part of her life and always will be. That can be enriching, the way that sad things add depth and character to a person. Don't worry that you're harming Kaitlyn. As for Quinn, if he's delayed then that's the the facts of the matter. You're not being morbid by recogizing a delay when it exists. The poster of the above rant is just plain nuts. Sorry you have to get this kind of flack.

- Tehiya

Melissa Locke said...

Jean-You should be ashamed of yourself being so unkind!!! What an evil person!

Liz-You are a wonderful parent. Please do not let this get you down! I have delayed children as well and I know it is tough but that is what makes them who they are! Much love to you and your family! Delete her insensitve comments!

Anonymous said...

I'm with Jean on this one, but it appears that nothing is going to change until things genuinely hit the fan (i.e. Kaitlyn finds her voice and starts really acting up in rebellion).

Your grief is going to ruin this gal's future! I know its like talking to a brick wall, but maybe one session from a real life outsider to see the impact of what you are doing?

BTW my kid talks to herself all the time. Lots of kids do. Its cute and normal. She is not communicating with a dead twin. Yikes!

Anonymous said...

Dear Jean,

You are very right - it is none of your business. Until you have walked in someone else's EXACT shoes, please do not offer your unsolicited advice on how long her grief should take. Yes, you may or may not have lost a baby, and you may or may not have had a preemie, but you have not had the same exact set of circumstances as Liz. Liz is allowed to feel happy AND sad simultaneously while listening to Kaitlyn talk to herself. She didn't run into her room and impose her grief on her child. She simply felt her own feelings. Perfectly normal after the loss of a child. Quinn is amost one, and is showing many signs of delay. Every expert out there will tell you that NOW is the time to address it and that the longer you wait the harder it is to catch up. Unless you are a child development expert, please do not offer your unsolicited advice on when Liz should get an evaluation (which is all she said she was going to get for Quinn to check where he is) for her premature child, after she has had to deal with developmental delays for several years now. Getting an evaluation and perhaps some early interventiion to catch Quinn up in in no way means that Liz is expecting that he will need special services when he is three years old. I, for one, am glad that you will be averting your eyes from now on.

Another mother who had a premature baby, lost the twin of that baby, and (God forbid) still grieves for that baby in perfectly appropriate ways several years later

Sammie said...

As the mom of a surviving twin, I understand. Yes there is incredible joy in seeing your child.. but you also have a living reminder, an every day reminder of what you have lost and it is hard some days. Like today... my twins were born 5 years ago today.. and while I am happy and planning a birthday party for this weekend.. I am also sad and grieving...
hugs Liz!

K said...

Oh my word, why does Kaitlyn look so grown up in that photo? Awww. She's adorable...LOVE the new glasses! And how funny about her conversations with herself...the little girl I babysit used to do the same thing and, like you, I could have listened to it for hours! So adorable.'re nuts.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to know does your daughter still have the gtube>?

Anonymous said...

my email is
regarding your daughter having the gtube. My son still has his but at this time he's only eating puree foods which is baby food and yogurt......I cant wait to see him eat a piece of cake