Felt this should have it's own post.
This is in reply to a commenter from my previous post:
Sorry but I had to reply. My gosh!!!
I could just delete, but if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, I don't delete others opinions, but I had to reply....
Jean's Quote: " as a regular reader, I have to finally say that I wish you'd please, please, stop classifying your children as "super-duper delayed" and focusing on the loss of Corrine. Kids develop at varying rates - some are faster than others and some are slower than others. And not every child who doesn't sit up when you want him to needs some sort of intervention. "
My response: Quinn is STIFF, very STIFF. So Stiff that I can't get him into his car seat, bend his legs to put his leg into his pj's and I can't put him in sitting position at times. He also wants to arch backwardes out of my arms. This isn't my "wanting" him to sit! His is now totally able to sit on his own (and prefers to at all times) he can't get to sitting position, He can't roll, nor do much else.
Our Pediatrician did notice at his 9 month review that he's delayed (3 months delayed, reminder he is only 6 weeks early). She offered the ability to visit a PT one time. I declined, feeling (hoping) that things would get better. They haven't, they have gotten worse and I know that our Pediatrican will agree when we see her for our 12 month check up next month.
Quinn hyperextends his legs and arms and it's preventing him from developing as he should. At this point PT and EI CAN help him to get back on track. I KNOW this. It's not when I "want" him to sit up. How can you "offer" opinions when you don't really know what he's doing? I haven't posted much about it, as I've been hoping that he would stop doing the stiff legs and arms and hoping it was from reflux. But it's getting worse not better.
You think I don't know that kids develop at different times? If he was just developing slower than I'd agree. But Quinn is doing things that are very noticeable.
"Many kids aren't good drinkers of breast milk or formula. Life with an infant can be difficult - most infants are not fun most or all of the time, they are a TON of work! "
my response - do all infants have blood in their stool and scream bloody murder? No. Because of my persistence we discovered that Quinn had a milk protein intolerance (from my drinking dairy). After we got him on an elemental formula and reflux meds he went from hardly drinking 3 ounces at a time and screaming all the time, to drinking 8 ounces.
Ok, and what's normal? Probably not your neighbor coming over to ask if everything is ok when they've heard Quinn screaming for hours on end.
Jean's quote: "But constantly complaining, worrying and researching which dreaded disorders your children might have takes away the precious time you have with them - time that is particularly precious if you're a mom with lots of outside activities and a demanding career."
my response - constantly researching dreaded disorders???? WHAT?? Not sure where you fabricated this from...Don't even know what to stay about one... Is this in regards to Quinn? Fabricating bloody stool? Signs of reflux?
Or Kaitlyn? I believe that is my research to find solutions is why Kaitlyn is doing so well today. She is going to graduate out of special education at her 4th birthday. I'm soooo happy. She still has issues, but she is doing GREAT. Really Great!
" I know Kaitlyn has difficulties that need to be addressed, but for goodness sake - let Quinn grow for awhile without trying to classify him as a candidate for (in your words, not mine) "the short bus.""
My response - Quinn WAS a preemie. He IS delayed. He is hyperextending his legs, arms and trunk, he wants to stand on tip toes when put on his feet. He goes stiff at any opportunity. This can be from reflux from pain. I don't know. He had a GI follow-up today and The GI couldn't believe how stiff he gets. She said that he indeed should be evaluated.
I'm SAD and BUMMED that this is happening. I'm not making this up. I wanted a regular experience this time around, and Quinn isn't easy. I've EVER expected babies to be easy. (I'm sure you've got something to say about my comment here).
I KNOW that he'll be fine. But I also know that EI will help him. and I NEVER said that he needs special education (or my one time of saying the short bus...which you took totally out of context."
Jean's quote: "Finally, I truly believe you should see a counselor for your paralyzing grief. I know you will always grieve Corrine's loss - it was and is a terrible thing. Despite that fact, you need to move forward. You need to let Kaitlyn be Kaitlyn and not attribute her perfectly normal habit of talking to herself (i.e. entertaining herself) to missing her sister. Kids talk to themselves - frequently while lying in bed waiting to fall asleep. While sad, it is true that Corrine and Kaitlyn shared a womb and that Corrine died so Kaitlyn will never know her. But the reality is that Kaitlyn didn't know her and can only be hampered by you not letting go of them as a two-some. Any grief she feels now and in the future over that loss will be because of your desire to instill grief in her psyche, not a cosmic attachment from the womb."
"shesh! paralyzing grief! Did you not read that I stood outside my daughter's door for almost 10 minutes smiling from ear to ear at how amazing my daughter is?
The grief that came on was from a realization that I wish my TWO daughters were talking to one another. Is this paralyzing? hell no! I miss my daughter. I miss her not being here. I don't know if you have lost a child or not. BUT I know that I will hold the empty space in my heart for my ENTIRE life.
I don't recall writing as Jean said: the reason she was talking was due "to missing her sister" . I felt it was so great that she is having imagination play (she's only been doing this for a few months now) and I loved it. Yes, after quite a long time, I got hit by a wave of sadness (which I honestly said here) and I got sad that she wasn't in the room "playing" with her sister, should her sister be alive today.
And yes, maybe you find it creepy, but I do believe that Kaitlyn's sister Corinne watches over her. And I'm sorry if you feel that I have paralyzing guilt" that I thought of Kaitlyn "talking" to her angel sister.
I recently met a grandmother in her 80's that told me she lost a child. She carries that "grief" still, but she's living her life. It's not paralyzing me. It's healthy the way I look at it, I think it's more worrisome for those that ignore it. That grief IS there somewhere inside. How can it not be? It's what you do with that grief and whether you let it run your life (I certainly do not).
For those that know me, they would NEVER call me paralyzed with Grief. I'm a very happy person. I love helping others with their situation (just today a mom called me with a difficult decision to make about carrying twins or not).
Jean's quote: "I have always found it a bit disturbing that you take Kaitlyn to twins events. It sometimes seems like a pathetic plea for attention - "look at me, I'm the mom with one surviving twin, feel bad for me because my daughter died at birth." I think it is creepy that you would force your young child to be a singleton at twin events and absorb the idea that she will never be a whole person in your eyes - she will always be the live one-half of a pair for which you endlessly grieve.
My response. Now in this case I think you have a point. I realize that. When I first attended a twin moms event not long after Kaitlyn came home from the NICU, the Club President told me, "Liz, we'd still welcome your membership, you are a mom of twins and will always be a mom to twins." That's stuck with me.
There are a few reasons I still belong to my local twins club and I'll tell you: 1) The moms that I met when my water first broke hold a special place in my heart. They were there to support my in my darkest times and I will forever cherish their friendship and support (to me a stranger at the time) . I attend functions to see them and they always want to know how Kaitlyn is doing. They really care. Now I mainly attend the mom's functions. These are my friends!
2). I had a hard time bonding with moms in regular moms groups. Their experience of motherhood was nothing like what I was going through with Kaitlyn. It's harder to be a mom of twins than it is of a singleton. They "got" a bit more of how hard my life was so I didn't have to hear women complain about how their child "spit up" or applying for preschools (when I just wanted my daughter to eat)" That may sound heartless, but it's the truth.
3) I haven't taken Kaitlyn to any twin events now for close to a year as now she is getting older and I don't want it to be uncomfortable for her. (this is where I think Jean made a good point), I don't want to be there for a pity party for me, especially for the moms who have never met me before. It was nice to go when I knew so many members and know their children, I have more friends in the local twins group than I do in other mom's club. It felt like "home" to me.
4) I continue to belong to the club as I get asked all the time to help mothers who have lost twins or are having serious twin pregnancy complications.
jean said: "I started to read your blog because it provided some information I needed when dealing with a similar situation. But now, I look because it is like a car wreck - I can't seem to turn away."
My response: Train wreck? hmm, don't know how to comment on that one!
Jean's quote: " Please, please, get some help for yourself before you damage your children. And yes, fellow blog readers, I know I am a terrible person for saying these truthful things, but I am concerned for those two beautiful and perfect children - Kaitlyn and Quin. Sometimes, the truth hurts, but that pain might trigger a change for the better. Probably not, though. And to make everyone happy, I will now avert my gaze."
My response: "damage my children" How in the world am I damaging my children? The truth hurts?
I'm all for the truth. I will tell Kaitlyn about her sister. I am very aware that she could suffer from survivors guilt. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent that from happening. I know that Quinn wouldn't be here with me today if I hadn't lost Corinne. We only wanted to have 2 children. I'm forever blessed to have my son Quinn.
Those who really KNOW me know that I have found the positive in Corinne's passing. I tell folks this when they ask me how I can seem so "unaffected" when I tell them about Corinne's passing.
I truly believe in finding the positive in really crappy situations. I'd take Corinne back in a heart beat, and spare Kaitlyn from her prematurity related issues, BUT I have found: amazing new friends, strength that I never knew I had, the ability to help others more than I ever had in the past, getting involved with charities, and the ability to overcome such hardships to come out a better person.
So, please tell me what type of damage I'm inflicting?
Oh and one other thing, I often write how I am feeling at a moment in time. I'm crazy busy. (you can probably tell by my infrequent blog posts). Life is good. Really good. I don't take the time to post as I'm spending time with my kids (and working), which is MORE important than blogging right?
And to the poster after Jean, how dare you say that "Kaitlyn find her voice"...you do know that Kaitlyn has a paralyzed vocal chord don't you? What type of voice do you "want" her to find? You said rebel against me? Do you know how often I hold her tight (when she lets me, which is ONLY in the shower due to her dislike of being held) and tell her over and over how special she is to me, how much I love her and how happy I am that I'm her mama?