Monday, September 19, 2005

Leaky Faucet

Monday 9/19/05

Wow, some days are just so much harder than others. Who knows why, but I started crying a bit on Saturday and it’s gotten progressively worse every day. The tears sort of continuously roll down my face. It’s like a faucet I can’t turn off.

Maybe it’s pregnancy hormones really kicking in. Maybe because tomorrow will be 2 full months since PROM and since I’ve been on bed rest. Maybe it’s because I have 2 more months (HOEPFULLY) ahead of me. Maybe it’s because my neck and shoulders hurt so bad from lying down that pain radiates down my arms. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been outside in the fresh air for so long. Maybe it’s because summer didn’t exist for me. Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent and helpless. Maybe it’s because my muscles and body are completely atrophying. Maybe it’s because a healthy pregnant mom came to visit me this weekend who is due the same time I am. Maybe it’s because I won’t be able to have a baby shower. Maybe it’s because this is not the way I expected my pregnancy to be. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling sorry for myself.

This has to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I feel so guilty for carrying on, as I shouldn’t be feeling this way at all, as my babies are still with me….. I had a lovely PROM mom and her husband come and visit me on Saturday. I “met” her on the PROM mailing list that I belong too, and we have such similar stores, twins via IVF, PROM (hers is from unknown reason). She lives in Northern California and made a trip out to visit me in person. Sadly, she lost both twins at 22.5 weeks in July. My heart just goes out to her and her husband and all of us PROM mom’s who have lost their little angels or have had to go through this horror of just lying in bed day after day not knowing what the outcome is going to be.

I feel bad for crying and feeling sorry for myself, as I know she would trade places with me in a heart-beat. Maybe my tears are for the entire lost little angel souls out there that have parents that want them so badly. It’s very hard and so unfair.

I’ve had so many wonderful people reach out to me to offer their support. I try so hard to stay positive and think positive thoughts. I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

But I do.


Meredith said...

((HUGS)) to you sweetie! I'm so sorry you are down right now! What can I do? I just sent you a long email.


Alyssa said...

David and I send our smiles and many, many warm hugs.