I think I've avoided really posting anything about it at all, as I felt I had nothing to complain about. Yes, how in the world could I complain about my 6 week early son, who only spent 3 weeks in the NICU. He smiles at us, he giggles at us. His smile is so amazing, it’s the most heart-warming enduring thing that I could ever imagine. We never got to experience this with Kaitlyn so how can I complain?
I know too much about all the other Micro moms out there that have so many more severe issues that they are dealing with. I also know so many of my friends whose children have long-term disabilities, either from being a micro-preemie or from other birth defects. I've met so many since my life changed.
Oh, and I can’t forget to mention the fact that a crying, fussying, spitting-up, screaming, short cap-nap and constantly eating round-the-clock baby (and gorgeously smiling happy/giggling when he's not doing any of the prior) doesn't leave a lot of free time to blog in the first place.
I feel bad about complaining because he's eating. He's thriving. He's not projectile vomiting. It's only Spit-up...He's amazing. he's wonderful.......But he is completely wearing me out. At times to the end of my limits. But how can I complain? Isn't this just "normal" motherhood? I wanted another child. Isn’t this just what it’s supposed to be like? I don’t know what’s “normal” anymore. I do feel ungrateful and like a horrible mom for complaining (this thought having nothing to do with some of the comments left on my last posts)
How can I complain? So I've been silent on the subject.
But Brian and I are having a tough time. our son has bad reflux and I feel extremely, extremely tired, worn-out exhausted and really frustrated. I have done all the research and our poor little guy isn't getting help.
I’m sorry to complain, but this post is it. It’s going to be a downer. I’m going to complain, I can’t TAKE it any more without letting some steam off. If you don’t want to read a “negative” post, then skip over this post. I don’t want to hear negative comments of how bad a mom I am a this point. Really. I’m NOT in the mood.
He is no where close to sleeping through the night. He goes either 2-3 hours at most. and oftentimes can be refluxing/fussy/eating/colicky/crying/dosing for 2 hours straight.
Here is a 2 hour recap of my last 2 hours tonight (the good news is that this happened during the daytime hours as opposed to the middle of the night when it usually happens):
(not sure of the exact time when this started so the hours are approx, but I do know it lasted 2 hours...)
Kaitlyn missed her nap today she was a bit cranky (and hungry) to top everything off.
6:00pm Quinn woke up screaming (he never naps more than 20 minutes at a time)
Got him some milk as soon as I could. He took about an ounce before pulling off the nipple and fighting me. Got really stiff and arching. Started crying again. Burped him (burping him is NOT easy, it can take a LOT of time), spit up all down my shirt. he settled down, tried to see if he'd eat more, he wouldn't, cried, pacifier (we call it pacy) settled him down, he almost fell back asleep, so I put him in the bassinet, as I was trying to get food ready for K.
5-10 minutes later, as I was trying to feed K, he woke up and started crying urgently again.
He was arching and stiff, clear signs that he has a burp. Worked 5 minutes to get a burp, finally got one, with a lot of spit-up again. After the burp, he ate almost 3 ounces (that’s a LOT for him to eat at one time), his max is usually about 2 ounces at a time. Got another good easy burp out of him. Gave him pacy. he started to sleep again in my arms, but him down. . Had finished feeding K and was going to use this nice time (a rarity for Q to be sleeping) to give K her bath and read her book and have nice quiet mom/daughter time. No go. He slept for 10 min or so and then woke up again.
K had a poop, and was cranky and wanted my attention, Quinn was fussing Tried to give him back pacy, he spit it out, his crying increased. tried to give him back pacy, rock him his crying increased, now it was becoming an urgent cry, Picked him up, tried to burp him, he was now screaming, (K was whining at my legs at the same time of course) tried to burp him, nothing. You never know, as sometimes it can be sooo hard and super long until you get a burp, so you never know really what he wants. (This makes me feel like a horrible mother).
Realized that I hadn't given him his 2nd dose of Prilosec for the day....(story continued below)
(now this is a side-subject because our Pediatrician has only prescribed him 1/2 tablet of Prilosec a day (7.5 mg) with our without food. I had some left over from Kaitlyn and we are almost out. I have a call/email into our GI doc from last TUESDAY as our Pediatrician said she can't dose any more than the 1/2 tablet she already is prescribing.
According to www.marci-kids.com the ½ tablet that we are giving Quinn (without our whitout food) is 1/3 the dose that he should be receiving. Also, it is supposed to be given on an empty stomach. How in the WORLD do you give it on an empty stomach when your baby eats ALL DAY LONG? The site clearly says that PPI's (prilosec) are routinely under-dosed. I even faxed all this info to our pediatrician.
My request went on deaf ears. I was asking for another medicine (Zegerid) that I had described in a previous post on reflux and asked her to write my insurance to ask for it, she said that I'd have to talk to GI at this point. (and she' d put in a referral).
(According to Marci-kids: " Zegerid is currently the only FDA-approved immediate-release formulation of omeprazole, and is very suitable for giving to children and infants. It contains omeprazole, a PPI that is approved by the FDA for pediatric use. When mixed with water, the powder dissolves to form a true, homogeneous liquid suspension with a peachy-mint flavor. Unlike enteric-coated PPIs, which must be taken 30 minutes before a meal, Zegerid can be given without regard to mealtime.")
I emailed/called our GI on Tuesday, never heard back, called the GI's nurse on Friday, she called me back saying it would have to wait until Monday, as Quinn has never been seen by our GI and that the nurse would call our pediatrician. Oh, and I asked our pediatrician for Zegerid about 4 weeks ago now after I said Zantac wasn't working
....anyways, back to my recap: I diluted the tablet in a spoon with a tiny bit of milk, spoon fed it to him, lost quite a few prilosec "granules" down his chin (very hard to administer this drug orally as compared to K's gtube - see, how can I complain?))
Tried to give him milk again. Lo and behold he took another ounce. He pulled himself off nipple and started arching. (reflux sign) Burped him, (he always cries after burping, a clear reflux sign) settled down again put him down yet again went to change Kaitlyn's very runny poopy diaper (reminds me that's another post I need to do as she always has very runny poop)
Heard Quinn start to fuss/cry again. Ugggh. holy crap. F$%)# Shit and all. Bad language is coming to my head (not out lout due to K's sake) I'm staring to really loose my patience at this point. This "fussy" session has now been going on for over an hour. I can feel my blood pressure start to raise. I'm feeling sorry for myself and doing my best to try to survive. I've got to get K in the bath. I put her half dressed on the floor and tell her I've got to go attend to Quinn. He's really screaming again. I pick him up, he's stiff as a board, burp him, he spits up all over me and the floor behind me. I try to see if he wants any more milk, he gets upset, starts crying with the nipple, pushes it away, so I give him pacy, he calms down and he drifts off after rocking him so I put him back down.
Kaitlyn is loosing it at this point too, she can tell mom is upset and she's really cranky without her nap (even thought it's about an hour before her normal bedtime). really cranky. Getting into one of her repeating/whiny modes.
Oh my god, I need a glass of wine. (I'm sure you realized that Brian wasn't home). Then I always say to myself, Liz, you can't complain. You wanted a 2nd child. Quinn is almost full term. He's a "normal" baby, this is just regular old motherhood stuff. Stiff it up. Don't complain...
You suck is also what I was saying to myself.
This doesn't seem normal on one hand, but I don't have the faintest idea of what normal is or should be like.
Ok, sorry to regress again…
Give K a quick , (VERY quick) bath as she was complaining the whole time (note to self, K is NOT ready to give up her nap yet) , dress her, and lo and behold guess who I hear AGAIN and on top of that I hear a beeper going off, I forgot that I put something in the oven for me and the timer was going off….try and shut my ears….He can just cry for a bit. .. (the swear words to myself are really getting bad at this point).
Ignore Quinn. Read a SHORT book, K starts crying, wants another book. I ignore her and put her to bed. She’s fine, she’ll be asleep right away. Thank GOD that Kaitlyn is a great sleeper. See how can I complain???
Walk out to the bassinet. Pick up Quinn, he’s stiff, stiff, stiff burp him, feed him, etc, you get the drill.
Now that K is down, I have time to get Quinn ready for night-time bed (Trying to do what I can to sleep train him by doing a night time ritual, diaper, PJ’s sleep-sack, some milk, bed). Have to bring her back to K’s room (which will be their shared room if/when he ever starts sleeping at night). K of course hops up and starts wanting water, tell her I’ll get her some, Quinn starts smiling at me as soon as he’s on the changing table and I say to myself:.
Horrible, horrible mother, how can you be so upset at this amazing sweet little boy who is smiling up at you – how can I have those frustrated feelings while I’m trying desperately to get him to burp? UGGGH…..
My food hadn’t cooked enough, so I had reset the timer for 10 minutes. Saw that there were 5 minutes left on the timer, thought maybe I should turn it off in case I’ll be awhile again….
Bring him to his bassinet in our room, give him more milk (wow he takes more, another ½ ounce), burp him, (man I really need to change my spit-up covered shirt by this time) see if he wants more milk, he doesn’t as he pushes nipple away and cries, give him pacy, he’s happy, settles a bit in my arms (typically what he does when he’s really content), but I can tell we aren’t done yet. Timer of course is going off.
Put him down, I’m STARVING. We are now about 1 hour and 30 minutes into this fussy/crying /eating ordeal….Get my pot-pie out of the oven, I get a class of wine, I sit on the couch, and 4 minutes later he starts crying in pain again.
Holy Shit. I can’t take it. WHY can’t I get the medicine that I think he needs? A fellow online micro mom just told me that her daughter (also 13 pounds) is on 2 full tables of prilosec a day! And our fucking doctor has given us ½ tablet. UGGGGH, I’m so upset at this point.
Do I suck at this mother hood stuff or what I ask myself yet again.
I get more milk from the fridge, (Damn my boobs hurt as I’ve delayed breast milk pumping for the last 2 hours over this whole ordeal).
Go in, try to calm myself. Pick him up (much too abruptly) get a huge burp (Oh I may not have mentioned that of course we have him sleeping on an incline), see if he wants more milk, he takes about 1/3 of an ounce, pushes away, but this time doesn’t cry while pushing away. He’s gently kneading my shirt. Oh, I think he’s finally settled down. Oh I love the kneading. It calms me down. I give him pacy, he takes it easily and practically goes limp as I cradle him. I love my little man, but he is giving me a run for sanity.
How can I have all these horrible thoughts. It’s now about 2 hours after this started.
This happens a LOT!
This same ordeal above happens also in the middle of the night. He awakes from sleeping and eats, pulls away from nipple, burp him, see if he wants more, he refuses, put him down, sleep for a few, then the fussing starts, and this goes on for 2 hours.
During the day he often wakes crying in pain after a quick 20 minute nap. The most he eats at any one time is about 3.5 ounces, but that’s really, really rare. His usual is about 2 ounces at a time.
Uggh. I can’t complain. Isn’t this just normal hard newborn stuff? I have no idea really. I feel horrible guilty complaining. I think back on all that we went through with Kaitlyn and how can I complain.
But I’m somehow starting to think that this isn’t normal. God I hope that our GI calls tomorrow. I’m emailing/calling her again, with a desperate plea for help.
Been too busy writing this to drink my glass of wine. And THANKFULLY since the last episode he has gone down. I KNOW he’ll be up again about midnight though, with at least 2 or 3 times after that
Time to hook myself up to the breast pump
Or, darn, as I’m trying to post this, guess who just started fussing again? It’s 10:45pm…
Thanks everyone for your great suggestions: Here are a few more notes
1. I've tried Mylicon, no change
2. Tried Zantac, worked for a bit, but still Quinn was screaming
3. We keep Quinn upright at all times! he sleeps on a ramp/incline, but maybe I need to carry him in a baby carrier which is totally upright.
4. I'm currently almost completely dairy free in my diet, as he is getting fresh pumped breast milk, this has been hard for me to be 100% dairy free as I'm too skinny now and having trouble finding things to eat. I'm actually weaning from the pump. Just too much going on. I decreased from 4x a day pumps to 3x a day in the last 3 days. I plan to stop as soon as I can. I know that I have MONTHS of milk in the freezer, maybe that's why it was tough for me to admit that possibly he might have dairy issues as that was a lot of effort in my freezer...uggh.